Friday, September 3, 2010

Replete with Friends

Well, in my last post I left out a little fact that I still do have a number of friends around. It's not like I am deserted in the world.

I have a few college friends who I still get together with. Like the friend who I called up and said, "Hey, I have some fresh key lime pie. Can we come over and share for a while?" And the little girl got to hang out with their little boy, and we took pictures of each other and talked about our lives. For a scant couple of delightful hours.

Or the college friend who lives on the other side of world, perfectly situated to chat with me in the middle of my night while he's at work (and who does). For maybe three minutes at a time, true, but it's good.

I'm thinking of another college friend who writes me email letters every so often. I love correspondence, I do!

I have some old friends from junior high school, one in particular who I'm reconnecting with. I enjoy the mutual wit, commentary, and commiseration. Plus, we are both interested in knowing each other as we are in the present.

I have a good accidental friend who is also a dance caller, and we'll call each other up to chat about event ideas, or dances, or life. He's incredibly generous and engaging. Come to think of it, I have a number of caller buds with whom I can both revel in caller-geekery and share honestly about my life.

I have a former neighbor who is still a friend, and whenever we catch some time together, we gab about art, design, our husbands, our houses, our health, our lives. it's amazing to me that she can say some blunt things that from anyone else would feel like stabbing pain, but from her, it doesn't bother me at all because it's coming from a place of caring and candor.

I have a couple of friends who are married to each other, who I can't really remember where I met, but nevertheless we share lots of commonalities and generosities. And our kids like each other.

I have quite a few friends via Flickr, some of whom I have met, some not, with whom I share conversation, images, and the details of life. It always amazes me how I can feel the love through the internets.

I have a few friends on FB (as opposed to friend contacts of whom there are many), who share many of my language-culture-science-literary interests. Even a few contacts I don't know that well can engage in interesting and/or witty conversation. It's like discovering new sides to a person, and it feeds my brain and intellect in a way I don't get from reading A Kiss For Little Bear yet again.

I have a number of acquaintances from both dancing and church who are this close to being true friends. And even more who are always happy to see me when we cross paths, and that counts for a lot as I am not always around all the time.

I know a young dancing couple who I would love to get to know better. When they invite us to go for pizza or a birthday party, I am so there! A couple of women would like to know me better, and I make time when I can.

It's not so hard, is it?

I see people being mutually open, friendly, caring, generous, authentic, willing to accept other people where they are at, and interested in knowing more.

So what if some friends are fading back or creating toxic situations? There are more beautiful faces coming into focus. Any of you who are reading, I think you know who you are. Mwah!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Another Parental Episode Waiting to Happen

Where have all the friends gone?

You hear about how children will change your life. True. They also change your body, outlook, sleep patterns and attention span. Nobody tells you that your friends will - in a seismic shift - disappear. It's as if a crack opened in the ground, swallowed scores of people, and then snapped shut, leaving me to wonder what the hell happened.

Or maybe I am the one that has been swallowed alive. Swallowed by Parenthood. And I'm floating alone in this place saying, "where is everyone?" And even when I do run across a friend, the script goes, "Hi! I have three minutes to make a meaningful connection."

On top of that, I'm apparently annoying and impossible to relate to. I so love that state of being, but again, I've got about three minutes to worry about it before the next parenting episode begins.

I'm sad about my usual friends, but I'm also distracted, trying to keep up with my everyday life which has been steadily getting That Much Harder while I wasn't looking.

It's not that I'm not connected to other moms, it's just that they are not my usual set of friends. I do have a lot of people I kinda know in a friendly way. That's good, right? And I'm meeting a few new people, and they seem nice as we are exploring avenues of mutual sympathies and conversation. It just feels odd to find myself trying to get to know a new set of people who may or may not really be my new good friends, when I know perfectly well that my old friends are out there living their exciting lives. Going to concerts, staying out late, having long meaningful conversations with other people. I, on the other hand, am restricted to a few moments a day for socializing, or up to an hour of fragmented lunch time conversation. My husband and I take turns going out dancing. I've missed dancing and socializing, so I really love this, but it's still so odd to be there without him. Why yes, we are still married, we're just... parents.

My husband says I'm just in a different place in my life now. Well, nobody told me it was going to eat my old friends!

I wonder if my usual friends are not used to taking advantage of whatever moments we have. Many of my parent friends are used to working quick conversations or projects into any little space in the action. My non-parent friends are perhaps too leisurely to mesh with my sped-up life these days. By the time they are feeling like enjoying an activity, I'm all like, "Oops, that's all the time we have for that today! Gotta go for lunch and nap." Even on social arenas like FB, my frequent interactions are with friends who are at a distance, as if we've learned to not take communication for granted. If you want to keep in touch, ya gotta seize the moment.

The up side is that I am finding other people to relate to. I do have people out there who are happy to see me. But getting people to talk to me in the few moments I have... it's not been easy. Even when I am not in a hurry, my brain is scanning for trouble.

Well, some new and old things I've been doing recently:

Taking turns going dancing.
Plodding along on quilt projects. That's a seam or two per week.
Reading books (at night).
Walking to the park farther into the neighborhood so I get more exercise.
Making an effort to chat with some of the other parents I see.
Going to church services again, listening to music and sermons, seeing folks.
Attending a friend's bi-monthly play group where the little girl is comfortable with the other parents and kids.
Cooking more meals with local food.
Writing more (short) letters.
Trying to have more real conversations when I do see people I know. "Hi! I have three min- errr, seconds!"
Writing blog posts between parental episodes. "Hi! Time for bed!"