Rainy Days and Quilts - SWDB

The Simple Woman's Daybook
for NaBloPoMo

For Today...Friday, November 14th

Outside my Window...it's a gray, gray afternoon. Rain is coming down.

Towards a daily rhythm...putting through more laundry, sweeping the floor, clearing space, putting things away.

I am thinking...How cool it is to see my husband's gradual transformation as father-to-be. For months, the anticipation has been mostly abstract. These days, he's really struck by my belly (it makes it that more real for both of us), and interested in learning more about everything. I haven't wanted to push him to learn more - I'm usually the one who reads up on child and pregnancy-related things, feels the kicks, buys baby clothes, etc - but with periodic nudges, he's started reading birthing stories and taking classes with me, and becoming much more engaged in both the informational and the emotional side of things. He also goes about with a goofy smile on his face, and when I ask him what's going on, he says, "I'm just happy." I'll tell you what I am happy about too. When he says "our daughter."
How different than a few years ago, when the sadness of being childless hung over us.

I am thankful for...times to snuggle and not be so busy.

From the kitchen...catfish awaits!

I am wearing...a cat on my lap! And fuzzy striped socks. And a dance dress that fits a little more snugly than it did.

I am reading...I just finished Six-Pound Walleye, another great crime mystery by Elizabeth Gunn. Unlike the last one I read (set in the summer heat of Tucson), this is set in the winter cold of Minnesota. This story is a fairly slim book, but thoroughly engrossing. A speedy reader like myself can get through it in a day if no other responsibilities intrude. I am definitely looking for more of her novels. Maybe I'll save them for Jan-Feb when I am in the endless waiting phase. :)

I also just started reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. I've heard good things about this book (she and her family spend a year trying to eat/grow local food), and really admire her as an author, but had not made the effort to track it down. My mother gave it to me as a late birthday present, and now that I have it in my hands, I'm tasting BK's prose and looking forward to savoring he whole thing.

I also recently read a short but interesting interview with Gene Nichol, constitutional law professor at UNC and the new director of that university's Center on Poverty, Work and Opportunity. He says things with a clarity and seemingly unusual common sense. I'm looking forward to hearing more from him.

I am creating...another dance program! Based on older programs, but I can't help tweaking it for my current purposes.

I am hoping...to make enough headway on the big quilt that I will be nearly finished by February! After a four-week hiatus from meeting with my mother, it's time to get back to work and knock out some more squares. I am also hoping to sort and pack away some of the fabric clogging up the little room.

I am hearing...a steady rain falling, water dripping and gurgling through the gutters, car tires hissing by on the wet streets, and Natalie Merchant's TigerLily.

I am going to breathe deeply...and not be distracted by old situations from the past.

Around the house...a coffee table adrift with images for my students. A cat overspilling his box.

Bring beauty to my home...thinking of paint colors. Stick with the lavender of the main bedroom or go towards that leafy green I've been wanting?

One of my favorite things...old quilts and their inspirations.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week...another program, another dance, getting cabinet specs together, getting my head together.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...


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Projection 1 - Celebrity

for NaBloPoMo

Every so often, things remind me of other things that I want to explore.

The general theme here for the sake of cohesion is projection.

By projection, I mean the way we assume things about other people based not only on what little scrap of them we actually know, but what is inside us interpreting that small bit of information. It's a big deal in the psychology world. It's rampant in everyday life!

So, projection is especially noticeable when you have someone who you see a lot of but don't actually know much about.

You can observe them doing what they do, and you can even observe things about them that lead you to conclude who they are and what they are like. But we don't (or very rarely) know what another person is truly like. We have to extrapolate based on our own experiences. And there's where it gets tricky. Because we are not inside their heads! If anything, we are all inside our own heads. And our heads are saying things like: OMG, she is amazingly awesome! Isn't it wonderful? Or: He is really messed up. I can't stand the way he gets that look on his face as if he is too superior to breathe the same air as me.

So most of us do not record or notice things outside of ourselves dispassionately. We are always subscribing motives and reasons, though this is mostly subconscious. I know Buddhists try to observe *themselves* thinking, and that can be an interesting way of noticing ones own internal dialogue of judging. Even scientists have to train themselves to be objective, and even then, they acknowledge that they cannot remove all bias from their observations.

Anyway, back to the celebrity.

When we see someone out there in public, projection kicks in big time. Maybe that "celebrity" is just getting more attention than the average bear, maybe a lot of people really like and admire them. Maybe they write a really popular blog, maybe they are even on stage performing in some way. For whatever reason, you are seeing more of them and they are putting themselves out there... except it's still only a very small slice of who they really are! The public persona (even if that persona includes "being real" or "open") is an awfully small piece to base our judgements on.

So we look at that semi- or hugely-famous person and think a number of things:

Admiration - I'd love to be like her. Her writing style is amazing, her kids are so well-raised, she always looks so put together, she seems so self-confident and friendly. Gosh, she's really cool! Hi!

Jealousy - Her writing style is amazing, she has it all together. What does she do that makes her so special? Everything comes easy for her. She doesn't even appreciate how lucky she is! Gah! I can't stand the sight of her!

Loathing - She's such a snot. Thinks she knows it all. Thinks she's so hot. How dare she act like she has all the answers? So immature. So insecure. So brainless and cruel. She needs to grow up and get a clue. You don't treat people like that. Ugh! I can't stand the thought of her! Get her off my screen!

Interest & Intrigue - That's interesting. I like the way she thinks. I don't agree with that one thing, but I can see where she's coming from. I wonder what she has to say about ___.

[Feel free to add to the list!]


All of our own feelings of self-admiration, self-insecurity, self-loathing, and self-interest come out in our judgements. Also, all of our desires to see people as good, worthy, feel-good human beings come out, our desire to hang on to the fun and wonderful qualities we crave.

The celebrities we love, we admire as possessing aspects that remind us of qualities we'd want for ourselves. The celebrities we loathe reminds us of parts of ourselves we'd rather forget. It's much easier to put it all out there so that they can carry it for us, rather than owning our own shining and dark aspects.

It's awkward to be the fan girl or fan boy sometimes... That part of the celebrity who is So Cool draws us in... and we know we are acting a little star-struck, but we can't help it. We want them to like us. We want to be like them. We want them to pay attention to us so some of that glowing quality rubs off on us.

Or to be around someone who pushes our buttons? Whoo-boy! Our distain knows no boundaries. "Who died and made them God?" We'll throw any kind of disparagement at them to keep them away from us. Ugh!

And when one is on the other side? It can be a little uncomfortable then too. People see what they gravitate towards, whether they need to feel good or superior or whatever. Other people do not see the complexity that is the celebrity's whole self. One gets held to an impossible standard, often to the disappointment and disillusionment of the fans. "I am so disappointed that she wasn't as wonderful as I thought!" The halo or horns affect creates a glow that makes it hard to appreciate the full complexity of a person. Sometimes the glow makes it hard to get to the real person, the real person, the real life behind the celebrity.

And sometimes as a celebrity of any sort, one would like to be free of the incessant attachment/detachment of others projecting their bits of personal stuff onto ones persona. It can be hard to live with, fighting past the glow or the glares.


And that's all I can say about that before my NaBloPoMo daily deadline gives out for the day. :)

Happy Projection Contemplation!
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Another Day, Another NaBloPoMoDayBook

The Simple Woman's Daybook
for NaBloPoMo

For Today...Wednesday, November 12th

Outside my Window...it's chillier than it looks. North Carolina has copious and frequent sunshine, but the presence thereof has little bearing on the actual temperature.

Towards a daily rhythm...taking out the trash and recycling.

I am thinking...of whether I can get away with eating ice cream tonight.

I am thankful for...healthcare professionals who care enough to explain things with patience and compassion. And a trip cancelled, giving us a little more breathing room in the schedule.

From the kitchen...green veggies! With a little sprinkle of cheese on top. Yum for vegetables!



I am wearing...maternity jeans and a stretchy lime green top with black fleece and clear-color earrings.

I am reading...I just finally finished In the Company of Others by Julie E. Czerneda. Great read! I've got my eye on a couple of mysteries next. I'm also reading various child-care things and my usual list of blogs. NaBloPoMo gives me regular doses of my favorites!

I am creating...more handouts for my students.

I am hoping...to acquire a few more pieces of necessary furniture without spending an arm and a leg. I am hoping to make headway on clearing the little room so that it can be buffed and painted. I am hoping that I have enough energy to dance tomorrow!

I am hearing...my windchimes gently donging.



I am going to breathe deeply...and drink more water.

Around the house...my semi-annual polishing of silver. My favorites are a set of dessert forks and a set of demi-tasse spoons used for eating ice cream. Even though they get a lot of use, they still need some polish now and then.

Bring beauty to my home...A painting by my young niece. Blues and purple and greens and other colors.

One of my favorite things...A surprise package from my sister. In addition to some commemorative Obama stickers, she sent fuzzy socks, truffles, and both a painting and scribble-collection from my niece. Yea! Surprise packages are so much fun!

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week...finishing a dance program, quilting with my Mom, catching up on both decluttering and resting, writing back to my sister and various other friends, buying things like cat food and trash cans.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...


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Trash Talking the Inaugural

for NaBloPoMo

I was listening to a local radio station recently and was surprised by a nasty remark. Well, true, this is a F0X station, but I only listen to the music--I turn it off when the news comes on. I just didn't expect this kind of snide remark from the DJ.

A propo of nothing, he says that if you were planning to go to the inauguration on Jan 20th that you were out of luck. Apparently, hotel rooms for that week are nearly sold out and people are being forced to look for lodging in Virginia and Maryland. Yup, that's accurate.

Then he says, so fakely sincerely, "I'm glad Obama will be our next president. Really I am. But is this really the kind of money we need to be spending right now? ... I'm just sayin'. "

You're "just sayin'"? Just sayin'???!!! Just what the hell are you trying to insinuate? That they are going to spend too much money? For an inauguration? Do you have figures to show for that?

I went g00gling for figures, and got nothing except some tickets going for $29,000-40,000.

The Times Online says that: "The Fairmont Hotel is offering an "eco-inaugural" package, which includes four nights in a suite filled with organic materials, a ball gown from an organic designer and the use of a hybrid car. It costs $40,000."
Okay, so that's a whole glitzy package, not a governmental expense.

Chicago Breaking News notes that "GreatSeats.com is offering tickets to the inaugural parade at prices between $495 and $1,815." although somebody at Yahoo Answers notes that: tickets to the inauguration are free as well as the parade you just need to write your local senate representative and request them.

CBN also reports that A total of 240,000 tickets have been printed for the swearing-in ceremony and that Tickets will be distributed to members of Congress the week before the inauguration and will require in-person pickup, according to the JCCIC

CBN goes on to note that: the Web site today for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, which said tickets to the 56th inaugural ceremonies will be distributed by Congress, and that no Web site or ticket outlet has any inaugural swearing-in tickets to sell, "regardless of what they may claim."

And in fact, the JCCIC website states that "Any website or ticket broker claiming that they have inaugural tickets is simply not telling the truth." Howard Gantman, staff director for the JCCIC also states that "We urge the public to view any offers of tickets for sale with great skepticism."

So, all the big numbers being floated out there are not even about the cost that the government will pay to hold the inauguration, just what individuals wanting to attend or possibly participate might have to be willing to shell out. Everyone wants to be there for the rock star inaugural, and no wonder! It'll be incredibly exciting and historic! If someone gave me a ticket, I might go, except I'd be paying big bucks for a hotel, apparently, since my pregnant self would require a real bed.

But back to this spending issue. I have yet to find anything that tells me what the government itself will pay for a standard inauguration. Yeah, they are guaranteed to be glitzy affairs. It's a big deal, after all. But let's put this pseudo concern for spending in perspective.

One day in Iraq costs us "about $435 million" according to Raw Story. One. Day. Current numbers here. That's just mind-boggling.

So if we are really concerned about spending too much money as a country, shouldn't we look at that huge sucking noise first? To quote the DJ, do we really need to be spending that kind of money right now? And meanwhile why do we go on denying basic health, safety, and educational benefits to veterans? Shame! And this after the insane bailout to CEOs who then go on fancy retreats after we pulled their collective asses out of the fire? Shame again!

After all that, this DJ has the gall to insinuate that somehow the Obamas are spendthrifts? Costing us too much money!? ZOMG! Can you say concern troll?

That's not news, that's trash talk. I'm just sayin'.
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NaBloPoMo - symptomatic edition

for NaBloPoMo


It's a good thing this sneaks up on me gradually. Otherwise, I'd be incapacitated! I appreciate my ability to adapt and adjust. A few things I've had to adjust to:

Not standing up for long periods. This used to bother my hips terribly, but I stopped wearing my heeled clogs, and that helped. Still, if I stand for a long time, it starts to get to me. I've gotten better at going ahead and sitting down before I feel too much stress.

Waddling or walking like a duck. The week before Halloween, I noticed that I was listing from side to side as I walked down my hallway. DH said, "Maybe we shouldn't watch that movie about the Penguins." Ha. So of course, I had to go as a penguin this year. I had the belly AND the walk. There were a number of people, though, who couldn't tell if the belly was real or part of the costume. heehee!


That's your "fairy freakin godmother" on the right.
(Just a friend, NOT DH.)

I can't eat large meals. This one is because, as I said, my digestive system is confined to a sub-compact area. So the stomach is now under my left breast and god knows where my bowels are. This means that any meal larger than my fists starts killing me within 45 minutes after consumption. There is no room, people! This isn't heartburn per se, just a certain amount of ongoing pain. Sometimes my stomach starts growling before the indigestion has passed, and that's the weirdest of all. But I'm all like: send something else down the pipes!

I can't quite bend over any more. That has been hard for a while. I have to tie my shoelaces sideways because straight on? Nope, not gonna happen! But now I can't lean over in the car, even. I flail my arms in the direction I'm trying to reach, as if it's going to help. The belly, it's already in my way.

I have a hard time turning over in bed. I don't have the abdominal maneuverability that I am used to, so I have to inch my hips over and turn, inch my hips over and turn a little more, until I can flop to the other side. I've actually gotten pretty good at this. As a side symptom, my hips hurt if I lie for too long on one side. Darn those ligaments. :)

Okay, so this is totally boring, I'm sure. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to write about (or at least more wittily) tomorrow.

Ugh, ugh, grunt, urg. Just let me turn over...
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Chewing on Cabinetry

Oh hi. It's still NaBloPoMo, isn't it? Oh, that's right: I haven't posted anything for today yet, have I? Well, let's get to it, then.


Today was supposed to be the grand odyssey to pick up a couple of cabinets. You see, we discovered that to have our contractor to do the things we wanted done in the kitchen and elsewhere would run us, oh, about the cost of our new car. We swiftly and regretfully concluded that that was a no-go. Rats, anyway.

After some gnashing of teeth, Mr. Sweetie came up with the idea that we would redo the kitchen cabinets ourselves, but in stages. We'd start with a couple of cabinets and work out the kinks in the assembly and installation, thereby saving ourselves time, money, excessive renovation mess, and larger mishaps. This actually makes a lot of sense, especially if we start with the corner that currently has non-permanent storage.

We'd install one corner's worth of cabinets, transfer the stuff in the existing cabinets into the new and then tear out the old to install the rest of the new cabinets, again in stages. This is much what my church did 15 years ago as we were expanding into a larger sanctuary - build a new building to temporarily house church offices along with childcare/religious education classes while the older building was torn down and built anew. (We also had a smaller space that would serve as sanctuary while all this was going on.)

The trick now is *getting* the stuff we need without spending an arm and a leg on shipping and then finding the time to acquire what we need. This has turned into an issue; many of our weekends are taken already. How did we get so busy?

Mr. Sweetie came up with this great idea to wing our way over to the Ikea today and pick up a few cabinets and even the chair we're lusting after. See, once again, we were supposed to be in at least the same state as our target Ikea, and hey, what's another 4 hours to drive over? While we're already in the same state and all. As we have been busy preparing for this and that, we said: yeah! That sounds stressful but doable! And we threw our kitchen folder into the car on our way out of town.

Flash forward to this morning. We wake up super early, have a great breakfast and visit with our hosts, and hie our tails up the road in the opposite direction of home.

As we drive, we chat. DH wants to replace the flimsy backs with a sturdier construction. First time I've heard about this. My objections are several, namely that he is *already* planning to build his own bases *and* seal the raw edges *and* all of this was on the recommendation of our not-to-be contractor, who (you notice) is not actually undertaking the picky details of this project!! This is what I call mission creep. This is what I call the overly-engineered do-it-yourself project from hell.

So we argue about this until DH says he won't argue about it, so we agree to not argue about this, only sharing our concerns and reassurances about the do-ability of this line of attack. (ha!) The air thus cleared we continue up the highway.

And then I take a look at the package dimensions which I had conveniently compiled and printed out earlier. Each individual cabinet comes flat-packed in anywhere from three to nine separate packages. And each package's dimensions are up for grabs. One is something like 52 by 32 by 2 inches and weighs 64 pounds. Another is something like 23 by 18 by 1.5 inches and weighs 5 pounds. The list goes on ad confusiom. The question then arises as to whether our new car has the capacity to actually hold any significant amount of packages, especially cabinets *plus* this new chair we have had our eye on. It (the new car, not the chair) is much bigger than our old car, but we have neglected to actually measure the interior before we left for the weekend. Have I mentioned that we were rather busy?!

And by the way, is this going to be worth the hassle of driving these many hours to and from to pick up what may or may not fit and may or may not suffice AND which may drive me bonkers since I can't quite bend over any more and suffer from near-perpetual indigestion due to my GI tract being scrunched into a sub-compact space? You can see where this is going.

So what with all the questions, we decide that we need to collect a little more information before continuing. At the last place we can easily turn homeward, we stop to find a store that will sell us a measuring tape on a Sunday morning so that we can measure the car capacity and assess whether this is just a fool's errand, or whether it's worth adding another 7 hours of travel onto our day. After much measuring, we discover that a few cabinets will definitely fit, but whether the chair plus cabinets will fit is uncertain.

There are still too many uncertainties we haven't sorted out. In addition, Mr. Sweetie says he doesn't want this to turn into a slog for me as we have hours to go and I *still* have this digestive pain and am highly uncomfortable. There's no denying that it would be a slog.

We slowly and regretably conclude that this trip is not to be, at least not for today. So we turn homeward by a slightly different but more direct route, and it *still* takes us another few hours to get home.

So now the plan is for DH to take a day trip and do the trip alone without our extra baggage in back and without my extra pregnant self needing to eat and pee every hour and feeling miserable on the road. But when?? Have I mentioned that we are rather busy? Working and traveling hither and yon and the next thing you know, it's Christmas season. It's possible to have the items shipped to us, but that would get damn expensive. The chair alone would practically double in price were it shipped! Our car gets better gas mileage than that, so clearly picking it up is the way to go. But when?

This project is grinding our teeth down. It's doable, but WHEN? It's not just time versus money (although that's clearly an issue), it's time AND money with a side of aggravation. We'll clearly have to spend a little of each. Le Sigh.

Lalala! I am now going to think happy thoughts and work on clearing our the baby's room so that *someone else* can paint it. Don't mind the teeth marks.
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Panic and Calm

for NaBloPoMo

Floating on a cloud of endorphins. Thinking good thoughts. Knowing there is scary stuff out there, but not willing to live there on the "just-in-case" chance that something bad will happen. Nope, not me. There is no down-payment on suffering. Why take out a loan on pain? Why pay extra interest on something that may never happen?

So what, me worry? No! I refuse.

A little trickle of worry. A thin thread of doubt, a little warning sign sends me reeling in a panic. I breathe, pull out the references and confirm the concern. In an instant, I imagine the worst, the hopes crashing down, the pain and humiliation, the endless days of sorrow. I live that life flashed before me, scenes unreeling like clockwork; I can't close my eyes.

I breathe again and fumble for the number.

Voice shaking, I thread my way through the phone system as calmly as I can and find a person who knows their stuff. Thank god this number worked (not like the last one). Blessedly, no one questions whether I should be talking to them (not like the last time).

The person who knows their stuff is calm and compassionate. She asks all the defining questions, ruling out risks and reasons. And then, the verdict: not yet, no suffering for you (just a little taste).

She gives me a list of symptoms that would indicate a worsening of condition. I scribble a lifeline, ask questions, voice the panic and the not-knowing. Dear woman affirms the scariness of my uncertainty and calms my heart.

I clutch the list and assess sensations. No, not yet. Maybe. It's hard to tell. But I have the list and I am not on it.

The panic subdued but not gone, I rehydrate, lie down, and now that I can wait until morning, sleep.

Scary monsters do not visit me. On the other side, they wait and speculate. Her? Or not? On my side, I speculate, I wait. Me? Or not? On her side, my daughter rolls over and yawns.

Fake the calm so I don't live the panic. It's a plan, anyway. Remember the happy place and say "Yay!" It's still good. Panic can wait.

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