This is My Brain on Sugar Withdrawal

My brain keeps talking to me like my toddler, or maybe like a canny 4th grader.

How about some ice cream? 

Oh, that would be lovely, but you know what? No can do.  

Oh, look! There's some mint candy. You know how you enjoy that.  

Yeah, but, no.   

Want another piece of chocolate? 

I just had one, thanks.  

Oo, let's stop for a frozen palleta! We haven't had one in a while.  

Yup, we haven't. We're not eating that.  

What about that ice cream over there?  

Sorry. 

It's surprising the things your brain will say to you when one is attempting behavior modification.

My brain is bargaining, wheedling, coaxing, distracting, seeking food for soothing, food for distraction, food for the excuse to avoid or start a task, food for avoidance.  Wow, that is a lot of energy going into obtaining snacks, and sugary food in particular. This is what I've discovered since I decided to attempt a little sugar abstinence: my brain talks a lot.

By the time I hit on this idea, it was already well into Lent, and anyhoo, I'm not following that calendar, and besides, there was too much Easter candy coming my way, plus my sister's birthday is coming up where there would be cake and ice cream, most definitely.

I could do it in reverse! I could eat all the sweets I wanted before Easter, and then cut back on sugar after Easter! For several weeks, say, til my next hair appointment. Reverse Lent! Yes! That gave me a few weeks to get used to the idea.

Sugar in candy, ice cream, and cake, nope. Sugar in my tea, well, just a little, but about a third as much as usual. Orange juice, okay in small servings. Honey, ehhh, I'm not really a fan. Chocolate, yes but only dark and in moderation. I don't know if one should live without chocolate.

I'm not a purist, you might have noticed. I have no intention of giving up sugar for good. Nope, no food dogma for me. My dietary changes are modest. I just need to knock down my habitual sugar cravings a little.

But my brain, my brain! My toddler could take nagging lessons from my brain.

How about some toffee? 

No.  

Just a little bite?  

No, sorry.  

LOOK THERE IS CANDY ON THE CHECKOUT AISLE!  

You don't have to shout. We're not eating that, and you don't even like that variety.

Oo, ice cream! I would loooove some ice cream.  

Sorry, hon. How about some peanut-butter celery instead?  

But, the ice cream!  

Don't look; have some celery instead.  

Yummm. Celery. I loooove celery with peanut butter.  

Well, there you go.  

Too bad we don't have some ice cream for later.  

I know. 

The funny thing is, when I was indulging in candy before Easter, I started to feel a little sick of it. I sampled a couple of the jelly beans that I'd set aside for the little girl, and almost immediately felt the sugar rush. A rush? More like a sugar shock! Yuck. So I portioned out a few of everything for her basket, and threw the rest away. Weird, right? My body just does not like having that intense sugar shock. Now to let my brain catch up with my body.

Ice creeeeaaaaam! 

Now, hush. 

--

The Cute Is In The Details

I've been folding and sorting all these baby clothes people have been giving us. This includes finds from my Dad and sister, pass-alongs from friends, lovely things from relatives, and my own thrift store and yard sale acquisitions. It's quite the bounty, not just the gifts, but the found and passed-on clothing.

As I shake out a pair of wee little pants* to put on my daughter, Mr. Sweetie muses out loud, "Why do they put pockets on pants this small? They can't seriously imagine that babies are going to need pockets!" Why indeed.

*pants= that's trousers for you Brits.

When some clothes look too gender-specific in patterns or colors, or replete with cute little pockets or bows or even bizarre little decorations, I have to wonder, who are the clothing companies making these for?

Certainly, the babies don't care if they look cute. Most of them are already overflowing with cuteness. These design details are just superfluous.

Of the colors and patterns, I can guess that for those early babies, it can be hard to tell the gender of a child without additional cues. The code is: Trucks and Teddy bears and Rugby stripes are for boys and Flowers, Hearts and Butterflies are for girls. Never mind those arguments about how boys should be allowed to wear pink and little girls can wear anything with truck appliques. (Yeeeeaaah, right. Try that sometime and see how many people you confuse.) Or never mind even that we shouldn't be so concerned with gender at all.

Let's just admit for now that we humans are fixated on gender. I have come to accept that humans like to categorize things, and often aren't happy until everything can be placed in its box. I stymie the process with my love of greens and yellows on my little girl, but we have our share of pinks.

Oh, yes. Pink! The love or bane of every little girl. It's true that we have a load of cute clothing, but not all of it is pink. When we heard someone was throwing us a baby shower, I even asked for non-gender specific clothing to attempt to ward off the tsunami of pink. But we do have our share of it, yes, and darn it if it isn't cute, cute! I tell you.

One early favorite was pink terry cloth with a skunk applique. Why a skunk, I have no idea, but it's quirky and it's cute, and someone dear gave it to us. It was also well-worn and reliably soft and fuzzy. Alas, the little Wookie has already grown out of it!



And most of the onesies and sleepers - even the ones in yellow or green - have these adorable little details that the baby is in no position to appreciate. While breast feeding, I have been in a position to examine an awful lot of onesies and sleepers for hours. Most of them have bits of embroidery with ducks or "I love Daddy" or bizarre little bugs and flowers designs. Somebody, I think to myself, went through the bother of designing this schlock, decided it was good, then sent it overseas to be assembled with 6 different colors of embroidery thread. Or they designed these little pockets that needed a different kind of fabric and a matching ribbon. That's serious dedication to cute.



And then there are the ruffles, ribbons, and lacy edges. The necklines and sleeves of little girl onesies often have a line of thread that is stitched in a such a way to resemble a line of lace. It's ingenious, actually. Oh my, the ruffles. There is something about ruffles on the butt that makes people say awwwwww!



One of my favorite sleepers is a lovely shade of deep lavender with dear little tucks across the front and embroidered flower details in plum, pink and green. When the little Wookie wore it, she looked particularly adorable. Not only was it well-designed and well-made, it suited her auburn-ish coloring to a T. I was delighted when she grew into it, and I could hardly stand it when she finally outgrew it. boohoo!



Another of my favorites is absurdly girly. It's pink with a kind of silvery fleck pattern woven in, lacy edgings, a blowzy over-sized cut, and best of all, a couple lines of fabric ruffles sewn across the butt. It is not my style at all, but it is freakin adorable on the little Wookie. It makes me want to cuddle her to pieces, and snuggle her forever. What the heck is it about these soft pink ruffles that render me insensible?

I won't even get into the pink and cream sleeper my aunt sent me. Okay, okay, I will! It's pink with scattered dots of soft-cranberry and pinks with cream details and the cutest little lamb applique in two colors of soft fake fur and plenty of embroidered details. Oh my goodness, this thing is so cute!!



And my daughter hasn't even started pursuing textures to pet this little lamb, or has even learned what a lamb is yet! And yet, it inspires all kinds of feelings.


Since in the two months it's taken me to write this post, she's outgrown this sleeper as well. Boohoo!

I am starting to think that infants clothing is simply an outlet for our passionately in-love feelings about babies in general. Seeing or snuggling a cute baby in an adorable outfit heightens our feelings of love, awe and tenderness just that much more. What a cutie! What a sweetheart! We are often, or if lucky, always, smitten, and the clothing just screams: How insanely adorably can we be? The answer is: very.

I suppose babies are the same way. Little tiny noses, tiny sneezes, rows of perfect toes, ears, baby tears, chubby cheeks with dimples, the way they smack you with their hands or smack their lips after drinking milk to their stomach's content.



So while they are pretty cute to begin with, the details overwhelm us. And once we're insensible, they'll scream mighty decibels into ones ear at close range or klonk one in the head with flailing limbs or skull.

So scream in my ear, make me go deaf, turn purple, gift me with a creative array of fluids, yes and don't forget to kick me in the breast or klonk me in the face. Wear those ruffles and flash your dimples and I'm yours forever. May it be so.
--

Organics Mindfully *Thud*

Help, I've fallen off the organic wagon!

I started "eating healthy" when I was a wee tot. Mostly per force as my mother (a public health nurse) followed all the latest health information. So we ate low-salt, low-fat and beans before it was a blip on most people's radar (unless you were a hippie vegetarian, and I did baby sit for one of our neighbors in that category). My mother didn't go whole hog and make us eat vegetarian, but we did drink reconstituted dry low-fat milk. Come to think of it, that was probably an economic decision. How fitting, because that plays into my trajectory as well.

So in college, I was eating cafeteria food, and that wasn't bad. But I've never been an enthusiastic meat eater, and when I started cooking on my own, I started preparing meat dishes less and less often. Partly because it was such a pain to trim and cut, and partly because, well, it was expensive. Oh, I know how to make a mean middle eastern stew, but I have almost always lived with/been involved with friends/men who enjoyed eating veggies and things like lentils.

I've even been known to convert a few people, myself. Witness my well-developed collection of different lentil recipes from over the years, some acquired, many invented.

One current version includes portobello mushrooms, green curry paste, and a bit of salad on the side. Cheese optional.


(Side story: Many years ago, one friend was doing well following the Weight Watchers program. They challenged her just before Thanksgiving, "what is your plan for eating healthily during the holiday?" She proudly replied that she was going to visit her friend (me) and that I'd feed her *lentils*!! haha!)

So about 10 years ago, I started becoming more aware of environmental issues and shopping at my local food co-op. I reused bags, bought staples in bulk, and learned about avoiding pesticides and shopping locally. I also met my husband-to-be, an ethical vegetarian. From the first, Mr Sweetie has been firm but never dogmatic about his food ideals. I hate being told what to do, so this suited me. Being given both a model and a method, I started becoming not only more of a vegetarian but an organic enthusiast. Organic rice, organic beans, organic fruits and veggies, organic cleaners and plastic bags for Pete's sake, even though I was already edging towards my love for canvas bags.



(Another side story: One of the first presents Mr Sweetie ever gave me was a set of canvas grocery bags from his food co-op, bags that I had been coveting for some time. Typically, he set it up so that he didn't give them to me directly, but dropped me less and less subtle hints that he always kept *his* co-op bags in his *car*, until I finally figured out the new bags sitting on the table were for me. This prepped me for a lifetime of getting his subtle and enduring his not-so-subtle jokes, but that's another story altogether!)

In the intervening years, we have been blessed to be surrounded not only by a whole range of good-food models (everything from organic farmers to people who ate only local produce, to people who raised organic chickens, or who were also concerned about avoiding over-packaging, unhealthy additives, et al), but a good range of organic and local food opportunities.

Delightfully fresh produce from one local CSA.


In my area alone, there are (or were) at least two food co-ops, at least 1-2 chains featuring organic produce and products, local producers of everything from natural soaps to beekeepers to grain-fed beef, too many CSAs to count (small-farms with opportunities for Community Supported Agriculture subscriptions), a farmers market in every community in the region, and acquaintances who raise their own chickens and cows. Even a number of restaurants that feature local and/or organic ingredients. You can eat only local greens growing within the surrounding counties or go for the shipped-at-high-cost salad greens from across the continent/hemisphere at all months of the year, or grow your own.

Mixed greens for braising, some turnip greens, carrots, green onion, sweet red bell pepper, and basil.


I've learned to appreciate things like beet greens and kohlrabi and *drool* green garlic.


So there is huge support for eating well at whatever level you desire.


Turnip soup including both roots and greens

Recently, though, I've been backing off from the height of organic eating. It's the produce deliveries that we can't eat fast enough. It's the growing acknowledgment that the one co-op is considerably more expensive for most items, and the other co-op that is (was) being mis-managed. Even the big commercial natural foods store is pretty darn pricey, OMG. And our food budget has been way out of control. Since Summer, I've gradually started to cut back. I've had to cut back. I've had to shop both quality and volume to keep this baby fed.

First it was the organic yogurt that averages 10 cents per cup more than at the conventional store. Then it was the orange juice that runs 50 cents more for the same product (and that's for conventional oj). Then it was the broccoli at $4 a head! Ack! I think it was the *gulp* $8 bag of organic grapes that tipped me over the edge. I had to make better choices about which food was worth buying at organic prices, and which I should go for quality that I could actually afford.

So now, I don't automatically buy organic. I blame it on the economy and the fact that we have been ignoring our food budget for far too long. No more just piling on the produce with no worries about the total. I don't want to give them up entirely, but we've been forced to make more conscious choices, and isn't that ironic? It may not be healthy to the nth degree, but organics are sadly not necessesarily the healthiest for our budget.

And where will I go from here? I'm starting to edge more towards local food rather than strictly organic, food with low-mileage and low-processing credentials. Not that I will give up my imported chocolate (pu-lease!), but I am more motivated to shop our farmer's market on a regular basis. I'm currently psyched about growing winter greens and making my own mozzarella cheese from scratch with locally raised milk. Ha! Guess which book I have been reading recently! And of course, I'm still eating rice and lentils. I won't give up my locally-made goat cheese nom nom!

I won't go "back to the land," but I will be going back to basics and reevaluating my food priorities. It seems to be one of the few good things about this economy.

Good eating and shopping choices to you. Here's to mindful choices, whatever they be.
--

It's All About Food Now

I've been obsessed with food lately. What to cook, when to cook, what to buy, more stuff to try. When to eat, what to eat. What to eat when I can't eat.

Ugh. I'm almost sick of thinking about food.

I had been cooking well this Spring and Summer. Better, fresher food, ridiculously healthy and delicious. Yes, even yummy, fabulous food! Now it's more of a chore. What, again? Eat more of that, less of that.

This is all new to me, so please bear with me. I'm sure it'll settle out eventually. Next up: travel adventures.

A Thai Foodie Moment

A certain grant application was accepted. Woot! I didn't even have to plant the suggestion that we eat out to celebrate. I did suggest the Thai Cafe, though. Good choice. 'Twas yummy.

I started with a cup of coconut soup with tofu. It also had fresh mushroom and green onion floating in it. Great for an appetizer!

For my entree, I had a red curry with stir fried vegetables. I love that sweet undertone with the spice. My husband went for the spicy cashew veggie stir fry, which was even spicier than mine! We felt it was somehow wrong to eat any of this with a fork, so we went with chopsticks all the way. But my curry was just soupy enough that my rice would fall in, and and I'd be chasing it around, trying to fish it out. It needed a critical mass of rice to overcome the curry melting tendencies. Oh! It was good! I have some leftovers I'll eat for lunch or a light snack tomorrow.

Oh! And *then* I had a small ramekin of creme brulée! Excuse me, but I cannot figure out/remember how to spell it, though I can say it.

This was delectable. The smoothest sweet cream custard ever + crunchy burnt-marshmallow crust on top. Mmmm-MM! I could have sworn that I have eaten this before, but *this* tasted better than anything I remember having before. Maybe I'm thinking of flan.

By the time I was half way through, I was wondering to myself how hard it would be to make this at home... and if I could get the ramekins even smaller so the portion would be manageable. I might be compelled to get some ramekins for just such a purpose!! Oh my gosh! Another excuse to get another piece of kitchen equipment. (Pauses to give myself a talking to. You know we are trying to clear out all our clutter and extraneous stuff!)
Well, it's a thought...

Asiago and Apples and Happiness

I had lunch with a friend recently. We both had not only a wonderful Persian Aash (savory herb soup with various beans and thick wheat noodles), but also a delectable mixed green salad with slices of apple and a generous pile of shaved slabs of asiago cheese, topped with a few curls of dried tomato and their wonderfully creamy dill-yogurt dressing. Oh my God. I'm drooling just thinking about it!

There is something so satisfying and explosively delighting about the contrast in textures and flavors. The sweet crunch of the apple contrasting with the sharp softness of the cheese, with some of the other textures and flavors in play. Reminds me of that scene in the animated movie, Rattattoui, in which the connoisseur rat experiences the combination of flavors in ever increasing explosions of color and light. Fireworks! In my case, blissful fireworks.

It was sunny and we lingered for a while on the sidewalk afterward, getting in another couple of minutes of conversation. The apparent warmness of the day was mitigated by the breezy conditions, though, adding a substantial nip in the air! After a while, I started to shiver and regret my lack of a jacket. But then, when I stepped back into the truck... ah! The delicious warmth! Pure sun-baked cozy. Neat how, again, the contrast heightens the experience. The warmth seemed luscious after the chill.

We'd had a good visit. We hadn't seen each other for a few months, so we hit on a variety of topics to catch each other up. We touched on work, our aged parents, what we thought of the Democratic primary race, adventures and travels, and the state of several groups we both belong to. I told her the latest about my calling + teaching and the projects-with-great-potential that my husband has been pursuing.

Once she remarked with something like surprise: You sound happy! I had to consider and say, Huh, yeah. Yes, I am... And that's an interesting state to find myself in after years of various personal struggles and disappointments! Pretty cool in fact.

Schmutzie wrote recently about not being able to accomplish as much as she would have liked or thought during/after her 1.5 years of trauma and stress. Made me realize that there is something to the idea of processing.

Processing is usually not as quick and easy as we'd like. For myself, it involved a certain amount of ennui, anger, confusion, and anxiety and mutter mutter mutter (lots of crap and swearing and whining). Oh wait, maybe that WAS my process. Anyway, I suddenly have noticed a lot of things coming together personally and professionally. I also seem to be at peace (or maybe fatalistic? ha!) about some of those big disappointments, and even found new things that work for me.

It's no big whooping deal. It's just very, very nice to realize, hey, I am pretty happy about where I am and where I'm going. Maybe it's the contrast that really shows off the bright happy stuff in higher relief. Apparently, one CAn get through to the other side.