5 Minutes of What I'd Want to Remember from 2010

Another reflective prompt from reverb10.

December 15 – 5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Okay, timer started. I'd like to remember:

My daughter going strawberry picking for the first time and devouring a huge berry fresh from the plant.

Going camping with the three of us at a dance weekend. Hanging out with the community. The baby learned to give high fives. DH and I get to dance together for the first time in two years! A romanic, heartfelt waltz.

Calling to some of my favorite dance communities. Calling a dance I wrote at some friends' wedding, and they really liked it!

The baby when she first learned to walk - running back and forth between us, so excited and proud of herself.

Seeing a friend after more than 15 years on different continents! Warm and comfortable conversation.

Visiting another college friend and her family - hanging out, talking, noshing on dessert, and playing with toys.

The little girl getting taller and taller, and her delight at climbing and sliding and dancing and bouncing and talkingtalkingtalking. All the funny things she says. The way she comes running into our arms for a hug. She requests "sing barefeet" or "ead Orax." "Where 'Cuzi go? I go find 'Cuzi." " Ah heah Daddy peeling carrots!" "Ah make a big noise!"

Conversations with my husband in the middle of the night about our daughter and about life. We're tired, but it's so nice. Giggling at silly things.

Cooking projects - yummy! Making corn chowder and lasagna and peppermint bark. Crazy!

Tracking my Dad's progress as he ran the NYC marathon, and calling him moments after he crossed the finish line.

Hanging out with my cousins. Comfortable conversations about our parents and our children and our house projects.
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So Beautifully Different - Whoo!

Reverb10 has a cool series of writing prompts to prompt reflection at the end of the year. I'm behind - this one is from two days ago.

December 8 – Beautifully Different

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Karen Walrond)

This is an especially interesting exercise to me, because even though I've felt different since I was a child, I've never been able to really figure out HOW I am different, or WHY.

When I was younger, I think it was mostly because I noticed many things, and I reacted in unusual ways, and other people often treated me as if I were different (and reacted well or badly according to some mysterious algorithm). Yet I could never figure out why that was, or what, exactly, it was, much less what I was supposed to do to "fix" it to be more like other people.

In my adult life, I've come to know a variety of people who appreciate my differences and quirks. Sometimes I will get comments about my "great energy," but I'm still a little mystified.

And now as I try to think about what makes me different (and beautiful), I keep feeling that I am somehow letting my ego run away with me. Look at me! How wonderful I am! Har.


1. I have a way of taking people into an inclusive circle, especially when I am speaking publically. My husband calls this speaking as if I were "addressing each person personally." Not that this manifests in all areas of my life, but I do have the knack, and I have a hard time leaving someone out, so it often comes out in my tone.

2. Making quirky, wryly humorous remarks. Some people might say that was an aggravating flaw, but you can't deny that it sticks out. In a public role, it tends to entertain people.

3. I am easily moved. I typically get all choked up when someone graduates, sings, or crosses a finish line against all odds. Certain music brings me to weeping. I suppose I am still sensitive to the beauty in the world, including the beauty of beating out odds and throwing oneself against a noble task.

4. I am self-deprecating as all get-out. Another item that could be placed in the annoying category. Sorry, sorry.

5. I see beauty in mundane things. This is one of the reasons that I couldn't give up photography even when painting wasn't working for me; I need to capture what I am seeing. I cherish nearly everything. One of the biggest compliments that I ever got was from one of my students after she saw my Flickr site - "It's as if you appreciate ... everything!" Yes, it's true.

6. I have a glowing smile, apparently. I have a hard time judging this for myself, but I do feel a heady joy at times. I do light up. Sometimes I like to go by Joy! It's how I prefer to live life when I am not bitching and complaining.

7. I have a subtle and literate sense of humor. Can you tell? I am always delighted when I meet someone of a similar bent. Okay, okay, sometimes it is very punny too.

8. I was raised to exercise my artistic creativity and out of mainstream culture. When I say mainstream, I'm talking about middle class America values. My parents didn't want us to live with a tv in the house. They thought we should be free to exercise our creativity without resorting to pre-defined parameters. So no coloring books, just lots of blank paper. No tv, but lots of books and stories. Lot of outdoor playing in the yard and dead-end street. I guess it gave me an appreciation for thinking out of the lines.

9. I don't like tv as a daily part of my consciousness. I enjoy pop culture in moderation, and I like a good story, but I can't stand the tv culture of sound bite journalism and fast flashy cuts. Too much of it makes me feel a little ill. I'd rather be out walking, or dancing, or reading, or writingpaintingthinkingcookingcreating. I've seen maybe a third of an episode of the series Friends and none of any reality show, and I so don't care. Yes, I am odd.

10. I'm enthusiastic. I know it's considered uncool to show any enthusiasm about anything, but I really don't care. If I like something or find it worthy of interest, I'll point it out, rave about it, savor it. Life is good. Enthusiasm rocks! Whoo!
--

Shifting Underfoot

Sometimes things change, and it may be so gradual and subtle that it takes a while for the shift to register. Maybe they are not so much changes as shifts. It's a good word.

A few new shifts becoming apparent recently:


My pants are getting a little looser. I know there is something going on when I'm constantly having to hitch up my best reliable pair of jeans. Not so reliable now. I think this means I may have to find another pair of reliable pants. But I'm okay with that because...

Ever so slightly, I'm losing weight. I had been eating more vegetables and good food, but I hadn't been able to break below a certain postpartum poundage. Now suddenly, it's dropped a few pounds and stayed there. My husband tells me he's noticed me looking slimmer, too.

I'm cooking more. Not only am I cooking more dinners, for goodness sake, but I'm cooking lunches as well. What has come over me? I'm not complaining. It gives me something healthier to feed the little girl when she demands that I feed her food off my plate. Two theories: I'm inspired by Smitten Kitchen's ability to whip up wonderful food in her minuscule Brooklyn kitchen space. And now that the rest of my kitchen cabinets/counter spaces have been installed, I have a nicer, larger, more efficient kitchen space to work with, even without permanent counter tops. I'm getting used to not having to constantly walk to the other end of the room. Instead, it's all in front of me or close at hand. Makes it easier to get right to it. It's niiiice.

The light is shifting in the sky. Spring is inching closer. I'm repeatedly surprised and delighted by finding sunlight falling on new places within the house. It's letting me know that it's March now and I'd better start some more seedlings.

My hair at my hairline continues to grow in in short wavy curls. This is a mystery. I don't think I singed off my hairline or suffered any other trauma. Maybe I get bonus hair as I age?

I'm embracing my parenting routine. Nurse, play, read, kitchen chores, nurse, nap, read, lunch! We work in a lot of reading and playing and goofing off, and it's all learning too. I wanted to be a parent, but I did not expect to be getting so much out of my daily routine. Introducing new parts of the body, reinforcing vocabulary and signs, reinforcing limits with love, reinforcing our lovey connection, singing songs, narrating the world. Wow. It really is a cool life.

My feet really hurt at times. I didn't used to be so tender. I put a lot of stress on them dancing. I am reminded yet again - Ah yes - I need new dance shoes.

I have seen the return of my menses. Apparently, it does show up at some point even when one is still nursing. I'm disappointed that it didn't hold off even longer, but it's just a new shift to deal with. Reminds me that my body continues to adjust and readjust to having given birth and to continuing nursing, but maybe not as consistently or as much as before.

The little girl's awareness is ever expanding. She watches me prime the breast before nursing, and then when I say "okay," she deliberately lunges forward to latch. She notices crows flying high up in the sky. She notices when and what I eat. She notices when we say, "stop right there!" and knows when she chooses to obey or ignore us. She notices the sirens going down the street. She notices when I say, "crap!" and tries to imitate me. Oops! She responds when she sees a car moving or a dog or a cat or a horse in person. "Aooh!" she says, and her whole body jerks with her enthusiasm. Whoa!!! Did you see that??!!! Boy, do I ever. No more wailing like a high-pitched teakettle or grunting like a Wookie. Our little Wookie is ever so slowly growing up.

The yard is getting overgrown and a little shabby. Not much time for upkeep these days. I garden and tweak in five-minute intervals when I can.

The chickadees have returned to check out the feeders, although there hasn't been any seed there for at least two years. Smart bird. I feel badly that I haven't been able to keep up with feeding the birds this year. It's both happy and sad that they remember my stopping point. Smart bird has moved on to other venues. I hope he'll come back when I get my yard act together again.

Some friends have grown more distant. Two friends haven't returned emails in months. Note: I'm not talking about you! :) One is engrossed in supporting her aging mother. The other, who knows? She's not interested in meeting for lunch or talking about her life, so it's hard to tell. But I have other friends who consistently pop up every so often and again. I'm in a new stage of life myself, so maybe my focus is shifting. Maybe some friends are feeling distantly out of my circle. And some friends are evergreen with fresh, periodic contact. Everything is shifting, and I have control over only so much of it.

I'm having parental bonding moments with other parents. I am very surprised. I take the little girl to the park, and other parents strike up conversations. We learn ages and children's names first. We chat about development and encourage our baby to be social or to slide down the slide or to wave or say "thank you." I've not encountered much annoying competitiveness yet. Often, I'll be going through a local store, and my and my little girl's attention will be grabbed by another small child and her parents. We tell our child, "see the baby?" and covertly peek at each other. The parents smile and beam at the other baby, then make eye contact with the other parents if they seem inclined. The babies wave or stare solemnly or smile or try to kiss the other one. The parents encourage or discourage the contact, depending. Little girl mostly stares at anyone- adult or child - trying to be friendly. She can't quite figure it out how to respond. She's not ready to be wholeheartedly open to anyone she meets and so she just LOOKS at them with solemn big eyes. I enjoy being friendly if the parents are not standoffish. I'm still negotiating this whole Parent Conversation thing. It can be fun. I did not see that coming.

I think my sleep cycle is shifting. I'm often feeling ready for bed by eight in the evening, whereas I used to be ready to go dancing at that time. How did that happen?! My husband is very happy that my sleep cycle is apparently - cough, cough - shifting, because I've been a night owl most of the years he has known me, and our differing awake-times sometimes cause conflict. But not so much any more. Except, you know, when I catch a second wind and stay up late writing. Heh.


Life changes don't always come about in a big wave. Often they evidence as little shifts. Interesting, that.
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No-Edit Practicing Practicing

A little experiment to hack out a post. NO editing except for spelling errors (if I can find them).

So I've been practicing practicing. Quite interesting.

Some of the things I've been practicing were not on my original list. That's okay. The important thing is that I am persevering at things I am not so great at.

Among other things, I've been practicing being more generous, getting back into my paper decluttering and learning to play a new instrument. A little bit of everything: psychological, physical/environmental and tautological. (Is that what i mean? Probably not! There's another word more accurate... pedagogical? Yes.)

Okay, so being "naturally" generous is hard for me. My cousin might call that a "scarcity" mentality. I am nervous about having enough for myself. Some of that is habit, part of that is not *taking care of* myself. Part of that is worrying that I will have enough money/energy/mental head space to feel good. So it's a defensive maneuver with some just cause. However, I am experimenting with doing things differently. I admire generous people. My husband, for instance, is a naturally generous person. He'll give time, money, attention to lots of people who need it and to some who don't. He's just wired to want to pitch in and contribute. So cool, eh? So myself is wanting to be more active in my own social relationships... and part of that, I feel, is giving of myself. Not so much as to give myself away but certainly MORE than I do now.

(pause to think of some examples)

Here's a list of things that might qualify:

I showed up at an art opening of a friend and former co-worker. I made that effort to show up despite other things on the schedule. Sometimes I just can't make the openings, but this time I could and I did. I can be supportive and appreciative and enthusiastic. And I enjoyed myself too!

I went to a memorial service. Okay, this was more for me, but I really wanted to be there and bear witness to the stories and the memory of this friend, even though I didn't know him well nor had reached a deeper friendship phase.

(I am having to brainstorm this list, so it's not perfect, okay?)

Ah yes. I bought some lovely earrings for my mother's birthday and contributed a huge platter of veggies and hummus. So often I cannot decide on the best gift for a person or event and I find myself paralyzed. This time I just went out and made it happen. The food was to help out my youngest sister who was coordinating. I already had this especially delicious hummus in mind, so when she responded enthusiastically to my idea, I went out and found an especially delectable selection of raw veggies.... sugar snap peas, for instance. It was goood!
I helped care stuff down stairs. And afterwards, while various clumps of people scattered to talk or play games or had to leave, I made trip after trip between the downstairs room and the kitchen to help clean up; I did not want my sister OR certainly not my mother! to have to do the larger share of the clean up.

(Okay, so this might sound trivial; I am celebrating what I CAN do.)

I've been trying to contact my friends more frequently for getting together for lunch. Rather than wait for them to call me, I'm trying ot be more proactive. It's been really nice in the last several months.

I took care of my friend's cats while she was on a 10-day trip to Europe. We do this regularly, trading cat care, etc, but here I practiced giving a generous amount of time and then MENTALLY not grousing about any of it. Not that I usually complain about helping out my friend at all! I am practicing not complaining.


Oh wait.... did you notice that? I AM PRACTICING NOT COMPLAINING! This is huge, ya'll. Not that I am good at abstaining, no. I am an accomplished complainer. But to give my attitude and karma a boost, I am *consciously* working on not grumbling so much in my everyday life. My reasoning is that I can do something happily or I can do something grudgingly, and it's usually more pleasant for EVERYONE if I don't verbally blow off steam about whatever trivial inconvenience I must endure. I tell you, I am mostly quite proud of myself and the progress I am making. I'll say that the people most positively affected by this change is my husband and myself. ATTITUDINAL ADJUSTMENT - woot!


Back to my list...

Okay, so I am working o the huge amount of paper clutter in the office. I am "sorting with extreme prejudice*. I am taking out all sorts of gar-bage. I am getting back on the FlyLady bandwagon. SO nice.

Aaaaand, yes! I am learning to play a new instrument! I had another instrument in mind as well, but my local string shop did not have one free to rent while I determine whether I am into it enough to buy one. But they did have lots of great ukuleles! And they are a modest investment, so I bought one. Not the most cheap model, but a step up, a nice little instrument. And I have myself a book, and I found a uke tuner online, so I am set.

I've had this a few weeks now, and I am really liking it. I've learned a basic set of C chords and nearly every day, I get it out and play a little. Play and sing, rather, since I am singing to the baby a lot. Being about to play chords to my singing is a lot of fun.

Once I even figured out how to apply a chord to a singing note that was not the note but a complimentary one. I was tickled with my discovery.

My strategy here is slow but steady. I am finding all kinds of songs in this self-instructional book to practice different strumming rhythms and chords. I am practicing holding my fingers and thumbs correctly. I'm not convinced I have the strum position down well (correctly), but I'm experimenting.

Today I started learning a couple of new chords. Oy. My brain is slightly confused. But I have confidence that my brain and my fingers will figure it out with enough exposure and practice.


And now I must close down for the night and see if everyone else in the house is actually going to bed for the night or are going to get up for one last round.


Thanks for listening. I'm hopeful that my practicing practicing will improve. Go me. :)
--

*8Things: You Need to Practice to Get Good At

"Ah, practice. The natural enemy of the moderately talented."
My favorite quote from Magpie Girl last week!

Here's my take from that post:

The things we are naturally, innately, good at are like rafting down stream; all it takes is a bit of steering, and we are there, flying along, following the channel as if it was made for us. Or actually, that we were made for it! There's nothing like finding the ideal channel for our talents and our lives.

It's so easy to flow with the talent, to float downstream. But it's harder to go a-journeying up an intriguing side branch. That takes a little more work. The water doesn't flow as easily, plus it's often uphill. But like salmon, something compels you to heave yourself forward up the stream, following the trickle of water to your desire.

Magpie Girl challenges us to name 8 Things You Need To Practice to Get Good At.

The first one is that I have a hard time persevering with things that don't come easily. So:

1. Persevere with things that don't come easily.

I tend to think that I'm no good when I run into something that's difficult or awkward for me. Not true, but I have to push through the rough patches first.

Underneath that is ... Avoiding discouragement and self doubt. Another biggie. I am so not great at this. Mr Sweetie has been very helpful over the years, but I still have to do all the work. *sigh*

Whoops! heh. I mean, yeah, I sure do have a lot of practice avoiding sliding into discouragement! It's right up there with having a hard time doing the things that are difficult for me. I'm practicing.

2. Play a musical instrument.

I love music. I've fallen in love with numerous instruments over the years, but have not made much headway with any of them except, slightly, with singing. It is painful to play out loud and hear myself squeaking or otherwise torturing the notes. But I still have hope that I will (someday) persevere. I should probably learn to play something simply to practice persevering!* These days I have my eye on a completely different instrument than ever before (something that will allow me to play with other people and be encouraged by similarly-minded musicians), and have hopes it will shake me out of my earlier frustrations.

3. Go with the flow.

I remember the revelation of a special weekend wherein I was determined to not spend so much energy *anticipating* all the wonderful things (and fretting over whether and when they would come), but to just enjoy them as they came (or didn't). Wow! It was fun! But I still do not sit well without some sort of anxious expectations, so I have much more practice to do on this one.

4. Make friends and maintain social contacts.

I both enjoy talking with people (even people I don't know well), and am shy about becoming better known and/or vulnerable to being hurt or judged. (I know this doesn't make sense but that's part of the dynamic for me.) I hate to reveal myself and then end up feeling like the odd duck. I have to really work at keeping up contacts because my tendency is to hide in the house! Yes, it is so much simpler, but ultimately counter productive. I have to constantly encourage myself to invest in friendships without getting so anxious or discouraged.

5. Go to bed at a reasonable hour and not let my mind take on all the distraction it wants.

Really, I don't have to check email one more time or follow semi-interesting news stories. Go. To. Bed!

6. Follow my own path without looking for clues from other people.

I sometimes have an excessive amount of consideration for other people's plans. Sometimes I get stuck waiting for something that never happens because I'm waiting for someone else to decide or act on something. Sometimes I just need to make my own plans for the afternoon, weekend or life, and not worry about coordinating.

(Interesting how many personal revelations I'm pulling up by simply brainstorming this exercise! Self-improvement city, here.)

7. Letting go of sentimental items. Oy! Letting go of anything I *might* need. Double Oy!

Little personally meaningful tchotchkes are irresistible to me. Things my sisters or friends gave me a long time ago or this or that from my childhood. Do I really need to keep all of these? Just to remember a person or a time? They are silting up my life, yet it's dreadful actually giving them up. Then there are things like random city information and medical paperwork. Who knows when I might need it again? I'm working on it: Something comes in the house; one or two things have to leave. FlyLady has been a huge help.

8. Caring enough to dress stylishly.

Wow, another one of those things I have (had) almost completely given up on. It's hard for me to deal with the complexity of dressing well, so I get impatient and don't bother or end up sticking with really mundane combinations. I got so sick of this, but what could I do?

I did start working up a wardrobe strategy through MissusSmartyPants the year before last. It was so much fun, I thought, hey, I can do this! And then 'ere I'd barely gotten my new system up and running, I found myself expecting and expanding, and then nursing and mostly milk-stained. And now it seems there's hardly any point to wearing nice clothes for a year or two. I'm all about washables & durables right now. But still, I am looking forward to working on this again! I'm looking forward to fitting into my nicer clothes... um, when do babies stop spitting up on you? But on the other hand, I've started restocking my wardrobe in bits and pieces to fit my current self. Most of it is not particularly stylish, but I feel good dressing in clothes that actually fit me.

...

So all of these are a stretch for me. I'm not good at any of them, but I can remind myself to practice them. I don't have to be perfect at them to do them at all; I think that's the point. Am I a poster child for FlyLady or what? :)

Next up: I need to find something to try for the fun of it or for hell of it. Something I can allow myself to be bad at, and allow myself to just play with it and practice the practicing.

Happily enough, I have found a few successes and new endeavors to report! More to come.
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The Latest Meme Filler

I have nothing to write about right now. All the good stuff is too personal to share on the web at the moment, and my brain is too befuzzled to come up with alternate interesting stuff. So, I swiped a meme from ThisWoman'sWork, e voila! A post! I'll be back later with actual substance.


1) In five words, explain what ended your last friendship?

Crazy vindictive narcissistic tantrum self-respect

2) How was your prom night?

I didn't go. Too shy.

3) Do you have any famous relatives?

My great-uncle was a semi-famous artist, at least in New England writer-painter circles. He also drew an old-fashioned comic strip that nobody remembers any more.

4) Have you taken out loans to pay for college?

No.

5) What did you receive last in the mail?

A pledge card for a Senate campaign.

6) What beverages have you drank today?

Water.

7) Do you leave nasty messages on people’s answering machines?

Nope. If I'm going to go through the bother of being nasty, I save it for in person!

8 ) What’s the most painful surgical procedure you’ve had done?

You mean I have to pick only one? Dental surgery? How about the laparoscopy that screwed up my inner ear for a week?

9) What is out your back door?

A concrete slab. A cinder blog. A blue tarp. A cat skeleton (haven't decided what to do with it yet). Loads of overgrown bushes.

10) Do you usually go out on the weekends?

Except for dancing, no.

11) Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?

NO.

12) Have you ever visited a planetarium or do you even know what one is?

Yes, many times over the years. We are lucky to have a local planetarium with lots of interesting programs.

13) What is your favorite flavor of pudding?

Chocolate or pistachio.

14) Describe your keychains:

A simple ring with an LED light, a tiny swiss army knife, and car/house keys attached. I don't keep track of my hub's keychain except it has a very cool red-light LED I gave him that he likes to use during observing sessions.

15) Where do you keep your change?

In my wallet in the change pocket.

16) When was the last time you got up and spoke in front of a large crowd?

I called a contra dance to a crowd of ~100 people a couple weekends ago. I talk all night.

17) What kind of winter coat do you have?

Long, wool, dark green. Downside: it has massive shoulder pads. Upside: I only wear it a couple weeks out of the year, and it keeps me toasty warm.

18) What was the weather like on your graduation day?

Sunny.

19) Do you sleep with the door to your bedroom open or closed?

Open to allow free passage of air and cats.

20) Is there anything purple within 20 feet of you?

A small purple stapler, purple post-it notepads, post card of the Grand Canyon, the walls of my bedroom.

21) What is the strangest thing you’ve put in the microwave?

I don't remember. Maybe my buckwheat hull neck heater.

22) Can you speak any Japanese?

Maybe Sayonara? Konishiwa! Sushi!

23) Do you look good in the color yellow?

Heck, no.

24) Do you spit or smoke?

Yuck, no.

25) What is your favorite color(s)?

I like so many colors that I never know what to say. Purples, greens.

26) Ever played an instrument?

Piano and violin in 4th grade. Attempted again in later years, but without much success.

27) Do you believe in Bigfoot, or Sasquatch?

No.

28) Ever been to a palm reader?

No, but I had an international friend read my palm at a party once 23 years ago.

29) Did they tell you the truth about your future?

What do you mean, "truth"? They said I'd be rich but have no kids. How far in the future would that apply?

30) What are you thinking about at this very moment?

Errands to do, friends to talk to.

31) Have you ever received a black eye?

No.

32) What is your biggest current disappointment?

Hmmm. That I'm not going to be able to visit my cousin in Tampa next Jan or Feb as I had hoped. But it's not too bad because it's due to a bigger satisfaction, so it evens out.

33) What are some of your favorite drinks?

Limeade, real ginger ale, chocolate malted milkshake.

34) Do you have anything that hurts on your body at this time?

My neck/back (a little), a little nausea.

35) Have you ever ridden in a taxi?

Yes, returning from the airport after my trip to Italy. The car was 4-5 times as long as most Italian cars; I felt like I was riding in a tank.

36) What is the last alcoholic drink you had?

An ounce of chocolate port with a chocolate dessert - Yum! My friend was giving me a thank-you lunch for helping her with brides' tasks. This was several years ago.

37) Did you do anything special last night?

No.

38) What is your very favorite food?

It's usually a toss up between ice cream and sushi.


Okay! That's it! More stuff later.

Identity and Persona

I return to the idea of identity and persona periodically. This is more Stream of Consciousness than Shaped Thought, but here it is.

Ones persona is made of many different aspects. We each wear a variety of masks and faces in our lives that may reveal or hide those aspects. Sometimes we tailor those masks or faces for different circumstances. We have our work face with the boss, with clients, with our partner, friends, or family members, when we are the leader or when we are a participant. Maybe our choice depends on the task at hand, or who others expect us to be. Maybe it depends on our reasons for doing something. Maybe it depends on who we *want* to be or who we think we *should* be.

The divisions between different faces seem to show up particularly well online or other public venues, maybe because others see only a certain slice of who we are, who we present. Online, it's very easy to show only what you want to show. One can try on a different face or persona, or let out or indulge aspects that don't get much play in real life. Sometimes just playing out another aspect of oneself can be very freeing, regardless of who sees or reads it. Blog as confessional! Or as inspirational. Or as venue.


Here's where the audience and its impact comes in. I've seen lots of ways this plays out in blogs and on Flickr and other online communities. There are lots of permutations, but basically, we all like acknowledgment. When someone throws something out there for the rest of the world, there's always that fear that we will be seen as lame or boring. We write and photograph and "present" with more intensity in anticipation of the audience's reaction, for good or bad. And when something gets a reaction, well, we adjust. There's the glow, rush, or inspiration of a positive reaction, or the chagrin, humiliation, or anger of a negative one. Or maybe a thoughtful reaction evaluating what you liked or didn't like about what you did. And then... well, we adjust ourselves like sunflowers following the sun. Feels sooo good to get a positive reaction! Yeah, you know it does. Nothing wrong with that.

If we do this often enough, though, our audience may come to expect us to be a certain way, the way they have come to know and love (or hate) us. It's not bad. One can be spurred by that attention to do more, create more, shape more. But then, maybe you want to write or photograph or create something a little different than you had before... and your fans may be "like, uh, that's interesting, but..." And the aspects of your persona that attracted some people may shift.

Maybe this is where the concept of "selling out" could be footnoted, because yeah, we want to please our audience if they've been good to us. Ones audience may become a little demanding that you are not giving them what they want--more writing, more art, more funny stories, more cool stuff, more things for them to get upset about, more news of note, more quality entertainment, more mindless entertainment(!). Anyway, more of something. More of yourself, your product. Your product may BE yourself. Or at least that self that you put into your work. Oy! Gotta keep up.

One feels a responsibility to one audience. We may feel compelled to live up to that (whether to follow our inspirations or to ride the wave of feel-good attention), or reject it (as too much responsibility or as an energy suck or as brainless demanding), or...

I don't know about you, but it can be a little much. Since I don't have much of an audience, I mostly write for myself, even though I could just as easily write in a private journal. But hey, I like the extra motivation of a potential audience, however mythical or inconstant.


Online, I am several people. They are all me, but most times I don't want to share all aspects of myself at once. I do cluster around some topics of interest. Sometimes those interests lead me to show a different persona depending on how I am when I work with a topic.

Innocent-cynic, I sometimes say. I am sensitive to many disgraces of society. I feel things maybe a little too keenly at times. I can be grouchy and morose, even morbid. I sometimes feel caught in railing against prejudice and injustice and unfairness. To counter-balance that tendency to get caught in the dark stuff, I also let out my breezy, enthusiastic side. That is as much "me" as the grouchy side. In fact, it may be *more* me, even though I get the feeling that the happy stuff is not always as interesting as the dark stuff. From some people I get the attitude that it's uncool to be so enthusiastic. If that is a problem, just bite me! *smiley face!* I am sometimes sunny and enthusiastic. Deal. (This would be me rejecting the selling.) And then there's the sarcastic side. The high-verbal literary side. The insecure pretentious side. The formerly-known-as-artist side. The logical side. The friendly and helpful side. The impatient side. The go-hide side. The lateral thinker. The touchy bitch. The compassionate Speaker-for-the-Dead. The quirky-humorous side that eventually bleeds into any public persona. To name a few.

Even in real life, there's the part of me who enjoys being on stage, orchestrating the program, the participants, enjoying the result of all my hard work of preparation and practice. There's also the part of me who doesn't want to be known, to stay inside and keep my thoughts to myself. Blogging or Flickring allows me to play, to explore, to let some of my personas out to play. Whee!

And then sometimes I have to withdraw and take care of my real life and my INNER life. I like, though, how blogging lets me play with both the inner and outer life at once, motivating me to shape a little more of myself and send it out in the world. File that under outer persona in the service of inner work. Pretty cool, huh? Who do you want to be in the world?