NaBloPoMo - Coffee, the Enticer

Coffee, thou lovely, is not my best friend.

I love coffee/ I love tea/ I love the java jive/ and it loves me.

And I love to sing that song, obviously. In 5 part harmony. Ask me nicely and I'll sing it for you. Ooo-ah! Ooo-ah!

But coffee, the eternal symbol of what you need to stay awake and get things done, is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, one of my old graphic design resources calls it "nerve poison."

And when I was back in school, I discovered that, indeed, coffee was *counter* productive to my creative output.

The second year, I had so many projects going at once that I literally had no time to fart around. Any time I had any small space of time, I had to decided which project I was going to neglect next in favor of another.

So there I went to the coffee dispenser for a little mocha latte-something to keep me awake and jumpstart my energy.

I discovered to my chagrin that the coffee was making it harder to concentrate.

When I had those bits of time when I needed to be accomplishing *some*thing on my overwhelming list, I could not concentrate. I could not get started. When I did get started, I shook and buzzed. My mind scampered about. My hands didn't know what to do with themselves. Lines were drawn crookedly and needed to be redrawn, mistakes were made. At the end of my afternoon or evening I had accomplished very little, and I was so frustrated I could have cried at the time wasted.

But after I got over my shock and dismay at coffee's negative effects, I swore off it for the rest of the year.

I drank water. I munched on trail mix. I took deep breathes and short walks. I spent timed bursts working on each thing on my plate. I got more done. Coffee got me home after fourteen hour days without running off the road, yes, but for anything productive, it was useless.

These days, I don't drink much of anything caffienated. It gives me nightmares. Bad ones. I don't miss the shaky hands, the heart palpitations. I do miss coffee, thou lovely. The bitter bite behind the sweetest drink. But I had to wake up and simply smell the coffee.
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NaBloPoMo - Wait for the Tides of Clothing

My proportions have shifted and the terrain is all new. The shape of my wardrobe has shifted too.

Last week I was making a sweep through my drawers and closets, looking for clothes to pass on and clothes I could actually wear.

I passed by my stash of pre-pregnancy jeans and thermal underwear that I will wear again some day. I looked over my collection of relatively new tops, rediscovering cuts, colors and patterns that I acquired mere months before I got pregnant. All those hip, dressy blouses make me happy, but most of them won't fit my nursing bosom! Who'da thunk it?

A sleek line of lovely, stylish slacks in browns and blacks takes up a fifth of the space. I tried one on just in case I had shed enough. Nope. Can't even get them over my hips. I didn't even look at the pile of dance dresses that I can't even think about wearing for some time. They are too tight, too slender, too short, too uncomfortable right now, but I'm not getting rid of any of them.

I have too many curves to stuff them into most of my old clothes, and not enough to continue wearing my pregnancy pants. Thank goodness I had the foresight to snag some women's XL comfy capaline thermal leggings. Thank goodness because it feels like it's freezing now, and it's not even winter yet, and I certainly can't wear my old ones.

So now I have this one pair of thermal leggings, two pairs of snuggly pajama pants, and two, two! pairs of pants I can wear out in public, not counting the loose black pants I often wear dancing or the baggy hiking pants that catch at my heels. Only one of those has pockets. It's the jeans I bought on sale whose size I guestimated. That's my new size, at least for the time being.

Then back in the closet, I notice as I'm going through the pants that one of them is... bigger than the others. It's, it's... my new current new size! I'm astonished. When did I buy that? I never wore it when I was pregnant, but somehow it fits me now. Make that *three* pairs of pants I can wear out in public, one of them stylishly cut in a chocolate brown winter fabric. Whoo! I feel like I've won the lottery. Except these pants also fall a little long on my heels.... which means that... I am losing weight?? I can't decide if I'm happy about being slightly smaller than before or sad that I don't quite fit this lovely pair of pants.

I assess my stores and judge I can make it through the Winter. Of my tops, most of my Tshirts are uncomfortably tight, and I can barely fit those dressy tops. I snagged some jewel-tone v-neck Ts on sale a couple months back, women's XL again, and I happily live in those. But for the winter months? I may have to rely on my stash of large, stretchy turtlenecks and accompanying sweaters.

And still I find things to pass on. That dress with over- and under-layers that I'll never wear. Those nursing bras that are just too damn tight. Other clothes I have already forgotten. I am tired of drawers full of clothing that doesn't fit, but I don't see being this curvy forever.

Then my friend emails me about her next women's clothing exchange. Oh, yes!!

In previous years, I've found comfy jeans and sweet jackets at her clothing exchanges, things that call your name even if you weren't looking. Maybe I'll find some clothes to fit my new shape without a large cash outlay. After all, the clothing exchange philosophy is: bring what you have, take home what you want.

I decide now is the time to let go of that Spring suit that I last wore at my best friend's bridal shower, and I haul myself over.

The house is apportioned by room. The front hall is littered with pairs of shoes and sandals. An upstairs bedroom is a safe zone to stash your own clothes. The front living room/library is children's and men's clothing. The back family room is awash in tops and jackets. The front bedroom is bottoms - pants and skirts, and suits, and the dining room has lingere and jewelry with some spare toiletries thrown in. The kitchen is munchies and baked goods to sustain us while we dig through the piles. The front bedroom, especially, is busy with women trying on item after item, searching through piles and modeling for each other. My friend Julie sits half collapsed in a chair after collecting her own piles of acquisitions.

I come home with another pair of comfy pants, some stretch jeans that actually fit and feel wonderful, another pair of lovely dress pants in the next size down, and nine tops in various colors and styles, including a slightly garish top I can wear calling and a Travel City top which is apparently an expensive brand of very nice travel fabric. Also, several men's jeans and dress pants in my husband's size, three snazzy shirts, a small pile of children's tights, socks and pants, and a small toy piano-xylaphone, just the right size for the little Wookie to bang on, which she does with enthusiasm. A good haul.

The clothes go out, the clothes come in. Sometimes the universe gives you just what you ordered. Sometimes you get something different but even better. Make that *five* pairs of fit-for-public pants. I'm definitely making it until Spring.
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NaBloPoMo - Sanitizing Halloween

Halloween is over and done with for the year, but the pictures and stories continue.

I saw a couple of spectacular monarch butterflies - both on an adult and and infant. Another pair of favorites was a friend and her ten-year-old brother dressing up as Sarah P@lin and Joe the Plumber. P@lin had a stuffed moose afixed to her shoulder and a rifle over the other arm, a preppy look with sweater over white shirt, upsweep and glasses. Joe had various plumber accoutrements and a great, goofy smile. One young relative was going as gum on a shoe - wearing a sneaker on her head and wearing all pink. Haha! Another friend dressed as a LolCat, speaking only in LolCat-ese. It made me twitch, but it was funny! And then there are the suave dancing men who alway cross-dress with aplomb, or come up with alternative scary fairy godmothers we'd never dreamed of! I love how creative people get with their concepts.

One disturbing trend, though, is to forceably tone down the scary or "unacceptable" parts of the holiday for children, especially their costumes. There's an article from The New York Times talking about this very trend. My local paper also spent some space arguing for and against restrictions on how children be "allowed" to dress up. This seems to be a protective measure gone horribly awry.

I can understand the protective impulse myself - I would not want my child to have nightmares or feel threatened. However, I oppose sanitizing our culture on principle. I'm not talking about something like hate speech; I'm talking about freedom of personal expression. Why would we want to curb that expression as long as a person is not being destructive or breaking any laws? Thou shalt not make fun of a public figure? Ha! A time-honored tradition. We'd need more of a reason than that.

There's a fallacy that we can clean up and prettify everything in our world. I'm not convinced we can. And certainly not prettify everyone else according to our own ideals - that's just petty and controlling.

Even if a scary or strange costume supposedly represents some dark aspect of our personalities, sanitizing seems to think that one could banish the distasteful bits out of existence. Hit 'em with some bleach, and it'll all be shiny and happy. Oh, were it that simple.

Sanitizing something means the less pretty aspects go somewhere else, out of our sight but not really gone. As anyone from a psychology background could tell you, an anxiety-ridden impulse repressed will, under pressure, come out somewhere else. I'm wondering if encouraging (forcing) children to make bland costume choices is a societal version of squeezing zits. Thou shalt not be an unsightly ghoul. Begone!

And more, I'm not convinced we should sanitize our costumes, much less allow anyone to dictate what is acceptable. It's disturbing that we feel the need to control other people to that degree.

Maybe we feel so out of control that, like a teen with an eating disorder, we find ourselves controlling one of the few things we can, even if it hurts us, even if it's deadly for our long-term health. Never mind the consequences, clamp down on that NOW. No, no free-thinking creatives around here!

Yes, maybe our world is pretty scary and getting scarier. Maybe we as parents, teachers, et al feel anxious about protecting our children. (Maybe we even want to shelter ourselves.) So banishing scary costumes is going to fix those anxieties? I don't think so. Yes, it's fun to dress up in a scary persona. It's fun to dress up as a professional or political figure. I like the bad-pun costumes and the clever interpretations. I'm not crazy about the horrifying or overly-sexy costumes, but children encouraged to dress up as *food*, as cheese?? Is that considered "safe" enough? Lord, child!

I think Halloween is actually beneficial to allow us to air some of the darker and weirder aspects in a safe, even fun, way. There's the scary parts - ghouls and flesh-eating zombies - and the strange and disturbing - the dirty old man - and also the playful - cross dressing and silly puns, and making fun of cultural icons. Some costumes compel us to marvel at their design or the perfection of an idea well-executed such as one woman who wore a stunning peacock costume or an engineering friend who turned spray-painted cardboard and LED lights into an amazing transformer costume.

We can also make jokes about our society, the strange everyday events that play out in the media and our collective consciousness. How many Mich@el J@cksons were there out there this year, either in homage or as satire? I saw at least one "B@lloon Boy" wearing a poofy, silver oval hat.

We can dress to play with another aspect of our personality, or to play with something completely opposite from our usual persona. The good girl can flirt with the bad witch. We can step into something so unlike ourselves that our friends wonder who we are, and marvel at how well we act our part. In fact, the MORE opposite our costume is from our usual selves, the more stunning it can be. Who was that SaturdayNightLive character who, when confronted with some awkward scene of his own design, would triumphantly proclaim, "Acting!"? Ha! I fooled you! We can also emulate something we have not reached such as the Roman leisure class. Toga, anyone?

Children role-play all the time, trying to make sense of their world. What does it mean to be this person? What does it mean when I act a certain way? Telling a child that they are not allowed to dress in any way outside of "safe" territory is telling them that this business is way too serious, much more dangerous than it actually is. Our own fear would foster unease. Yes, I have a list of offensive personas that I would not let my children employ, but one night of acting does not a person make.

Dressing in a disguise was a way for us to protect ourselves against evil spirits during this time of thinning boundaries between us and the spirit world, according to the lore of the time. But now, most of us don't worry about confusing evil spirits; we just want to dress up and collect candy.

The brilliant thing about modern Halloween costume-dressing is that we are all allowed that commentary, that play-acting. How far we can go outside ourselves? And why the h3ll does someone need to tell us what is acceptable or not? Bland city, no thank you. Maybe next year, I'll go as a "costume police" and wag my finger at people. Tsk tsk!
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NaBloPoMo Strategizing

NaBloPoMo, Day 1

The first thing on my mind as we start of this month of writing is, how am I going to get through the whole month? As with everything else I'm trying to do theses days, it doesn't happen without a lot of organized intent and strategic prep work.

Number one on my list is to brainstorm a list of topics. I worked on that while nursing this afternoon. I have about 39 things on my list, although how many of those I will be able to turn into something worth posting is another question!

Number two, pre-write while nursing. It helps to organize my thoughts to think about a topic, jotting down specific points or phrases or how they might relate to each other. Then when I start to write, my brain is a little more primed to the topic at hand.

Number three, write a little on a few different things each day. Sometimes it takes a while to collect my thoughts on a topic to do it justice. So always having a few things being worked on at once helps the odds of something being *finished* on a given day.

Number four, used timed writing. Rather than trying to write perfectly, just write. Set the topic and have at it!

Number five, finish up what I can on each day. If a piece is far enough along, I can do a little editing without too much pain and aggravation.

Number six, don't worry too much about editing! Sometimes, a no-edit post is the best way to get it done. Hack it out if necessary.

Number seven, go if I have to go or the baby needs me. Like now.
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To NaBloPoMo or Not To? Oh, Yes.

Tomorrow starts another month and another year of posting very day for NaBloPoMo.







Yes, you read that right. That's 30 posts in 30 days. Am I participating? Having done it the past two years, this is not really a question. Of course, I will write and post every day! Well, every day that I have access to internet. Sometime in late November, I will enter that blackhole of internet service and my posts will languish unsent. But not for long!

This year will be more challenging because even when I have things to write, I may not have *time* to write. See: baby. I realize, however, that NaBloPoMo actually gives me an excuse to write, yes, to throw myself over to that which may be impossible at times.

I'd better get brainstorming. See you on the other side of the time change.
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8*Things: 8 People I'd Like to Meet IRL

Ah, all the lovely people I meet around here, here being the wide world internet. Magpie Girl once again has a Thursday meme to work with, although in my case, it often turns into a Friday-Saturday-Sunday, oh heck-Monday-Tuesday meme.


Here are 8 People I'd Like to Meet In Real Life:

1. Schmutzie
The one and only, incomparable, most awesome Schmutzie. Bizarre knitted characters, cat photos, black & white images, beautiful writing, and the most wickedly warped and achingly real&present stories. What is there not to like? For a while, I was totally addicted to her 365 project describing people from her life. A solid crush. I follow her all over the internet. *waves*

2. Cecily of uppercase woman
Cecily tells it like it is and like it was. A woman of strong opinions and passionate writing. Never boring, no! She always writes me back every single time I comment. I heart Cecily.

3. Ingrid aka bean*mama
A writer, a photographer, intense and creative, a warm, lovely woman with a smile-inducing family (tho ya gotta be a friend to see them). Words fail me to describe her, but I know she makes the most fabulous smiles and faces. She is also THE kid-project expert, an accomplished poet, and the Orton Effect Queen. She is, of course, the Bean Mama.

4. Tracy aka Ms.Tea
A nurse by night, an artist by day, a Northerner all the time. I started following Ms.Tea on Flickr when she was in the thick of her 365 project - taking one self portrait every day for a year. I was doing the weekly version, 52 Weeks. Quite the interesting endeavor. Gives you opportunity to see yourself in new ways and stare at one's beauties and flaws increasingly unflinchingly. Ever since, I've been enjoying the glimpses she shares of her life, of the art, both printing and photography, that she explores. When Flickr started allowing short videos, she threw herself into the new medium.
My favorite of her vids so far is a stop-motion clip featuring a pop-up camper, her husband, son, dogs and cats.

5. Shalet of Peculiar Momma
Another fine writer/photographer I met though Flickr and bean*mama. Lush images and heavy stories with a light touch. She inspires me with her creative frugal philosophy. I wallow, I mean bask, in her photographs.

6. "Johnny" of So It Comes Down To This
Tagline: "What is this "parenting" they speak of? Is it painful?"
Sometimes I think we were mentally separated at birth, except he's a meat-enthusiast Asian man with (China-adopted) two kids and two dogs who analyzes his work, friend, and family relationships and blogs about his steak fests and other cooking projects, and I'm a mostly-vegetarian Caucasian woman with one baby and two cats who reflects on relationships and other stuff and blogs about my peonies and other garden and hiking projects. I'm just *assuming* he'd agree to have me over for dinner. Judging from past events, no doubt he'd cook up something like rolled pork with apricot remolade and *frisk* me first before he'd let me in the house near his kids. And then take pictures and blog about it. This is standard operating procedure, apparently. *Imagine pictures of Johnny patting down an internet friend whose come for dinner*

7. Karen Marlene Larsen
Another fine photographer with a way with words and stories. Has a theater-puppetry-costuming background, a love for diners, cemeteries, walks, cooking, sewing and, oh my, enthusiasm! Oh, and apparently she talks a mile a minute. We would have a riot of a time, I know it!

8. Too many others to choose between. I can't decide. There are several people more who belong in this spot, but I am too shy to ever meet them for real. I guess I can continue to admire them from afar. Apparently 8 is too short a list.
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No-Edit Feel-Good Living

Another no-edit post except to fix my inevitable spelling and typing errors.

Among all the projects and strategies I use in my life, I'm finding some especially satisfying ones recently. Or rather, I've been more conscious of them recently. I know they are significant when they find their way onto my daily lists. In amongst the "make doctor's appointment" and "change kitty litter" I include such mundane items as "eat good food," "go for a walk," "prep veggies for dinner." I also include some tasks that are more acknowledgement than prompt: "breast feed" and "drink water." If I only do those things, I have nevertheless had a successful day.

I don't know why it's so powerful, though, to list some of those basics. Maybe because I get so caught up in the baby-feeding cycle that I *forget* to eat good food. I eat snacks all day and forget that what I *really* want to do is eat good food.

Over the past couple months, I've been re-nurturing some of these good habits I took for granted when I had more free time than I really knew what to do with productively. Now, it feels incredibly refreshing to not just worry about things I am doing badly (ie eating too much sugar or letting my muscles get too tight from lack of stretching), but to name the things I want to do well. Thus, a list:

1. Eat good food. This can be anything from a full cooked meal to healthy snacks.

2. Cut up or pre-prepare food for snacking. Instead of grabbing the chocolate or junk because it's close, I keep really yummy food near by and ready to eat. Some recent eats: Carrots and celery cut into sticks for dipping into hummus. Green seedless grapes washed and snipped into small servings in a box in the fridge. Dried apricots or raisins with raw almonds or walnuts.

3. Keeping my portion sizes modest. Instead of eating a huge sandwich, I'll eat a modest one. Or instead of two huge pieces of cheese for my breakfast sandwich, I'll stick with one. Or when making a huge stir fry, I'll portion out the remains for another lunch or dinner instead of eating until I'm stuffed.

4. Eat regularly. On the other side of the coin, sometimes I forget to eat at all. Eat! Eat! Just eat well.

5. Balance the carbohydrates with protein and fats. This seems to help me keep my blood sugar, not to mention my mood, on a more even keel. So even when having a bit of chocolate or sweets, I make sure I start with a bit of protein to even it out. Nuts in moderation are a good stand by.

6. Avoid sugar and chocolate when I am feeling stressed or more hyper than usual. I've been especially conscious of this one recently. I hear from some of my friends with more serious health issues that it's very hard on the body when the adrenal system is induced to stay in a fight-or-flight holding pattern. Adrenaline is great for keeping us going for the short term or longer term as needed, but it can lead to chronic illness.

In my own mind, I have connected the dots between high levels of cortisol from living with high levels of stress (from being "Type A" personality or living with harassment, racism, any kind of physical-mental-sexual-emotional abuse), and high levels of heart disease and other illnesses impacted by a stressed adrenal system. Sleep disorders, metabolism issues, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue syndrome anyone? I don't have ALL the science or ALL the answers, but I can certainly draw some conclusions and speculate. The upshot of all this is that I try to AVOID sugar and chocolate when I am stressed or fighting off something. Simply reminding myself to be gentle with my adrenal system helps me treat myself better.

7. Avoid stress and stewing. Well, I try! Certain people and situations can be very stressful for me. Sometimes I need to vacate myself or to practice healthy distraction to avoid *stewing* in the stress or letting things run endlessly through my mind. Sometimes I deliberately find a new target for my attention just to help me jump out of the mental-emotional rut. Sometimes I have to declare my intent out loud, as in: I am not going to let that person ruin my body through stress. Sometimes I practice some deep breathing to help lower my blood pressure. Sometimes I walk away and decline to engage. Sometimes I have to choose between "politeness" and my health (but not often).

8. Eat less salt. This is right up there with sugar and caffeine. I don't eat much additional salt to begin with, but again, being more conscious of it helps me make better choices than high-sodium ones.

9. Stretch. Move. I used to do yoga with my husband. We hardly have time for that at home, much less taking a class. But incorporating some stretches in my day helps. Every little bit helps, dontcha know?! :) I get up, I stretch my arms over my head and turn my head from side to side. I tilt my head, sit up straight, then run through a few pelvic tilts to wake up my spine. When I take a bath, I do a few sets of long leg stretches and lifts in the water. I wash my hair while letting my legs float up and down and engaging the abdominals. I do wrist and ankle rotations while I'm sitting nursing. I dance around to music to wake up my aerobic system and entertain the baby at the same time. I lift her over my head. If I go out to get the paper, I try to make a longer loop through the yard. I park farther away from the door of the grocery store so I get a longer walk. I prefer to go for longer walks, but again, every little bit helps.


I know all this stuff, but I get distracted by other things going on. I'm going to keep on adding these, in different incarnations, to my everyday lists.

I'm pleased with the huge difference a small amount of attention (and reminders to pay attention) can make. The big payoff is not just that I can check something off my list but by how good I feel. I can feel the results.


And one more.

10. Actually go to bed at a reasonable hour so I can get more sleep! Oh, I guess I need to add this to the list, eh? Okay, I can make that happen. Off I go. :)



Epilogue: I started this post thinking about being overdosed on adrenaline, and worked my way around to it from a direction I thought might get me there. I might be able to say all this more succinctly if I could edit it down, but no time to fuss with it! Such is the frustrations and beauty of the no-edit exercise.
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