Life-Globe Shaken

I apparently rely heavily on my habits and routines. Being taken out of my usual routines is both refreshing and discombobulating. (I love those words!)

After it was determined that my computer was "totaled" a few weeks ago, I decided to buy a brand new machine and to embark on the journey of transferring money and data. This has also entailed learning the latest operating system, rearranging files, and evaluating old digital baggage. (You can guess what comes next: Fling, fling, fling! haha)

So I've been transferring vital files from my old HD to my external HD and meanwhile streamlining the files on my new HD because apparently I have waaay too many photo files hogging space on the new machine. It's all so annoying tedious that I can barely restrain myself from rolling my eyes as I type the words. *yawn*

As much as I sometimes fantasize about my machine being wiped and having to rebuild from scratch (start over! start fresh! hack back the digital weeds!), that's not the fun and productive way to do it. I got the next best thing, though--all or most of my old files, but with an opportunity to restructure and reevaluate all the stuff that was there. So I've dropped a lot of my usual activities while dealing with the new situation.

It feels strange that I have not posted to Flickr in weeks, have not been keeping up with many of my usual blogs or networks, have not been writing as much as usual. Instead, I've been doing hard disk rearrangement and uh, yard work. It's so strange, this feeling, that I can just drop my digital world to the bare minimum and take on different real life projects. It's like traveling in the American SouthWest and breathing deeper from the wide open spaces. There is more space there.

Then on top of that, we just had a long holiday weekend, which we were happy to use to do as little as possible instead of rushing off to far off entertainments. OR rather, we did do a lot, but it was mostly garden work and reading fabulously distracting fiction and having dinner and games night with my sister and hubs. And cooking. And of course, all the rearranging of the data. And getting the new printer set up. Oh, did I mention the all-in-one printer. Cool, cool.

Both of these events has taken me out of my usual way and thrust me into an alternate zone of activity. It's so weird and discombobulating, yes, and refreshing too! What if you had to start over? I might be neglecting a few things (Oh, I just know I am), I might be losing a few things (it seems inevitable), but mostly I'm enjoying the sensation of being shook up, trying new patterns, and seeing where the elements of my life resettle. So I'm milking it until the new/old routines settle back into place.

I'll come back, I will. I'm just rearranging. Better! Faster! We have the technology!

Sorting Through the Old Closet

First order of business is that my computer is making a good impression of a dying bug (feet in the air, making pitiful noises or twitching-ack!ack!). Until this situation is resolved (in all likelihood, I'll need a new machine), I can check in only intermittently, stealing little chunks of time from my husband's machine. And commenting/posting less than usual.
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Well. I didn't write yet about how I went on a clothes shopping spree last week! I had looked in the Sunday paper for all the current Mother's Day sales and had targeted a couple of locations to scout for new clothes. With limited time, I focused on one store that seemed to have the best possibilities, and I completely lucked out, finding tons of great stuff at heavy discounts. Woot! I ending up spending a good four(!) hours there.

Ordinarily, trying to make decisions in a big store when I don't know what I want leads to migraines and misery, but here I was busy but focused, collecting possibilities, trying on and evaluating options, finding new possibilities, weeding through my monster pile and actually making headway. It was even fun, maybe because I was finding things that really worked for me. As a bonus, I came home with a core of a new wardrobe and a new look, too.

Then I spent all evening gleefully retrying on all the clothes I had acquired, and also going through my closet to see what would coordinate or could be worn in different ways. Oh yes, and showing off to my husband, who, although ensconced in a book on the couch, was highly appreciative. He kept saying, "I like this new look!" Yeah. So I was quite pleased with myself.

Now that I had something like five pairs of great slacks (on clearance for 80% off!), I felt the freedom to weed out the old slacks that did not fit me any more, no matter how nice they were. Fling, fling, fling. I also pulled out some less-than-ideal skirts and blouses and added them to the "to donate" pile. Time to release them back into the wild. Ahhh, this was most refreshing, clearing out the old and passe.

I got farther and farther back into my closet, trying on everything and clearing out swathes of blah. Way back in the back, I finally reached some of my old dresses and nearly came to a standstill. Several sentimental pieces awaited me.

I took out the blue print mini dress that I looked particularly fabulous in oh, 14 years ago, and admired it. Yup, it was still extremely cute, but I haven't been able to fit into it in at least five years... Well, on to new and better things that actually fit. I gently folded it up and put in on the pile.

Then I tried on the textured black Lycra mini dress that I had been wearing when my husband proposed to me. Size 7. (Pause to laugh at the ludicrousness of ever having been able to wear that size. I did, though! For years!) I wormed my way into it and sashayed out to the living room. "What do you think, Babe? I know I can fit into it, but I don't know if I *should*." He took a look and said, "I like everything I've seen so far, but not that." "With the jacket?" "The jacket's not bad, but not the dress. It doesn't look good." Whew! A sensible and honest opinion is a valuable tool. It's true: it does not truly fit me anymore. I took one last look at the bulges (remembering more the way I looked in it when I first bought it), and put the little black mini dress on the pile. Ditto the wonderful teal knit dress I'd worn 18 years ago. Ditto the first dressy dress I ever bought some 20+ years ago for a winter wedding. I was a geeky, gawky twig back them, and the dress showed off my coloring and made me look like a sophisticated adult. Good memories. So it was painful to even think about letting it go, but I'm releasing that one back into the wild, too. Someone else will have to appreciate its fine fabric and fit.

It's strangely wrenching to let go of those old pieces that remind me of special or significant times in my life, though. I can imagine I am still that young person with all sorts of possibilities ahead of me, a skinny figure with nice legs, who is just starting to realize her potential and worth. I feel affection for her. But now I'm more on the mature end of that stage, and I can't be the cute and sexy girl any more. Like it or not, I'm all the way to woman now. At my age, I guess I'd better get used to it and live it like I mean it. Which also means letting go of those old parts of my image (or self-image) that no longer fit. Damn.

*Ripping off a few more pieces of old self.*

Here's hoping there's fresh new skin just waiting to show up.

Lightly Filtered

I'm trying a couple of new things recently, both exciting with possibility.


Finally, I signed up for Miss Smarty Pants (see FlyLady) to refocus on sorting out my wardrobe or lack thereof.

Years ago, I worked in high-end picture framing, which meant that I had to look good for working out front with clients, but not so good that the hands-on work in the back room would trash my clothes. My answer to that was mostly camp shirts and blouses with khakis. Can I say that I am damn sick of that look? It is not me! So I've been gradually getting rid of those old clothes, and now... *ahem* my clothes are suitable for a stay-at-home-somebody, alright. Speaking of persona, that is not really me, either.

Problem is, I need to look reasonably professional for the teaching work, but I have gradually outgrown a number of dresses and all of my pants that are not clothes-swap jeans. Last time I went pants shopping, it was a disaster - during the height of the spandex craze. *shudder* So my wardrobe as a whole has been shifting toward the utilitarian through benign neglect and lack of finding the right thing. Here I've spent all of my clothing dollars on high quality backpacking gear, but I don't have a decent pair of slacks to save my life. Wait, I do... but just one.

So the wardrobe as a whole needs some punch. I refuse to fall back into the whole 70s look, yet I am not a fashion enthusiast. So what to do? It appears that layers is the way to go these days. Now if I can find something not too tight or skimpy... Thank the Fashion Goddesses that MSP is showing me the way. Have I mentioned the personalized body profiles?

I don't expect to find everything I need all at once, and anyway, large sudden changes tend to flop under their own weight, but I am heartened by the new ideas I have been exposed to through MSP. So it IS possible. Must go shopping and see if I can start filling in some of the gaping holes in my closet. Mother's Day isn't until next weekend, right? So there should still be some good sales going on. Baby steps...



The other neat new thing I'm excited about is joining a online woman's writing group. I had already restarted this blog to write about my life (or more importantly, to motivate myself to write more). So it was serendiptious that a writer friend asked if me if I'd be interested in being invited to this group. Yes! Wonderful how the Universe gives you a gift right at the moment you open space for it. I am looking forward to "playing" and stretching myself a little more. Writing with/for a group is its own challenge apart from writing for ones own satisfaction. As it turns out, there's more stretching involved than in just the writing...

Over the years, I have worked to keep my perfectionism on a short leash (Down! Sit! Good girl! Have a snack.), and I'm pleased to have learned to roll with that pretty well. So: "Writing is like exercise. You've got to do it everyday. And it's not always divine." Nooo, it's not. The important thing is to keep writing. As with many other things in my life, I need to worry more about the *doing* and less about the final mythically perfect product. (...to the degree that my mother now gets frustrated when she is trying to teach me the precise way to perform a quilting technique, while I barrel ahead because I don't want to get stymied by my perfectionism yet *again*. Hellooo childhood self, but I digress...)

So the writing, wow, the writing. Such wonderful amalgamations of language and thought and emotion and mood... To talk to and work with excellent writers is stimulating and a little intimidating. Not only because of my own modest pace, but because I am expected to comment and interact online as well. I am such a lurker. I read, I appreciate, laugh, cry, savor the neat turn of phrase or admire the pacing. But giving back out of my dis-jointed thoughts is a challenge.

Often I don't comment on blogs because because I'm dubious whether a comment is worth making or whether it's just a piece of flotsam passing through the ether of my brain. After all, there are legitimate times to be thoughtful and stay quiet. Even when I feel I have something useful to say, I don't usually have time to spent half an hour crafting that perfect piece of feedback. So with the commenting as with the writing, I have to push myself to just DO it. Just do it, already. It's okay if it's not perfect or if the thoughts don't fall neatly in line. If I had to edit all my ideas to perfection. I'd never get around to writing or talking at all.

Thank goodness for editing, though. It's the filter on my brain. :)
New tagline? Joy o' Life, Lightly Filtered* Ha! Okay, time to get back to work.


Oh, did I mention the joy of working with other creative and thoughtful women? Yes!


* Thanks for Shalet for the reminder of the filter idea.

Flower Macros Make It Big

I had to share this video I found on Flickr. The photographer made a slideshow straight from a folder of flower macro shots, unedited. Lots of shifting bokeh and changing light. Then he added music - which seems to be light Taiwanese trancelike pop (???) - to the shifting effect of the slideshow.

The combination is surprisingly beautiful. Happy May Day.

Identity and Persona

I return to the idea of identity and persona periodically. This is more Stream of Consciousness than Shaped Thought, but here it is.

Ones persona is made of many different aspects. We each wear a variety of masks and faces in our lives that may reveal or hide those aspects. Sometimes we tailor those masks or faces for different circumstances. We have our work face with the boss, with clients, with our partner, friends, or family members, when we are the leader or when we are a participant. Maybe our choice depends on the task at hand, or who others expect us to be. Maybe it depends on our reasons for doing something. Maybe it depends on who we *want* to be or who we think we *should* be.

The divisions between different faces seem to show up particularly well online or other public venues, maybe because others see only a certain slice of who we are, who we present. Online, it's very easy to show only what you want to show. One can try on a different face or persona, or let out or indulge aspects that don't get much play in real life. Sometimes just playing out another aspect of oneself can be very freeing, regardless of who sees or reads it. Blog as confessional! Or as inspirational. Or as venue.


Here's where the audience and its impact comes in. I've seen lots of ways this plays out in blogs and on Flickr and other online communities. There are lots of permutations, but basically, we all like acknowledgment. When someone throws something out there for the rest of the world, there's always that fear that we will be seen as lame or boring. We write and photograph and "present" with more intensity in anticipation of the audience's reaction, for good or bad. And when something gets a reaction, well, we adjust. There's the glow, rush, or inspiration of a positive reaction, or the chagrin, humiliation, or anger of a negative one. Or maybe a thoughtful reaction evaluating what you liked or didn't like about what you did. And then... well, we adjust ourselves like sunflowers following the sun. Feels sooo good to get a positive reaction! Yeah, you know it does. Nothing wrong with that.

If we do this often enough, though, our audience may come to expect us to be a certain way, the way they have come to know and love (or hate) us. It's not bad. One can be spurred by that attention to do more, create more, shape more. But then, maybe you want to write or photograph or create something a little different than you had before... and your fans may be "like, uh, that's interesting, but..." And the aspects of your persona that attracted some people may shift.

Maybe this is where the concept of "selling out" could be footnoted, because yeah, we want to please our audience if they've been good to us. Ones audience may become a little demanding that you are not giving them what they want--more writing, more art, more funny stories, more cool stuff, more things for them to get upset about, more news of note, more quality entertainment, more mindless entertainment(!). Anyway, more of something. More of yourself, your product. Your product may BE yourself. Or at least that self that you put into your work. Oy! Gotta keep up.

One feels a responsibility to one audience. We may feel compelled to live up to that (whether to follow our inspirations or to ride the wave of feel-good attention), or reject it (as too much responsibility or as an energy suck or as brainless demanding), or...

I don't know about you, but it can be a little much. Since I don't have much of an audience, I mostly write for myself, even though I could just as easily write in a private journal. But hey, I like the extra motivation of a potential audience, however mythical or inconstant.


Online, I am several people. They are all me, but most times I don't want to share all aspects of myself at once. I do cluster around some topics of interest. Sometimes those interests lead me to show a different persona depending on how I am when I work with a topic.

Innocent-cynic, I sometimes say. I am sensitive to many disgraces of society. I feel things maybe a little too keenly at times. I can be grouchy and morose, even morbid. I sometimes feel caught in railing against prejudice and injustice and unfairness. To counter-balance that tendency to get caught in the dark stuff, I also let out my breezy, enthusiastic side. That is as much "me" as the grouchy side. In fact, it may be *more* me, even though I get the feeling that the happy stuff is not always as interesting as the dark stuff. From some people I get the attitude that it's uncool to be so enthusiastic. If that is a problem, just bite me! *smiley face!* I am sometimes sunny and enthusiastic. Deal. (This would be me rejecting the selling.) And then there's the sarcastic side. The high-verbal literary side. The insecure pretentious side. The formerly-known-as-artist side. The logical side. The friendly and helpful side. The impatient side. The go-hide side. The lateral thinker. The touchy bitch. The compassionate Speaker-for-the-Dead. The quirky-humorous side that eventually bleeds into any public persona. To name a few.

Even in real life, there's the part of me who enjoys being on stage, orchestrating the program, the participants, enjoying the result of all my hard work of preparation and practice. There's also the part of me who doesn't want to be known, to stay inside and keep my thoughts to myself. Blogging or Flickring allows me to play, to explore, to let some of my personas out to play. Whee!

And then sometimes I have to withdraw and take care of my real life and my INNER life. I like, though, how blogging lets me play with both the inner and outer life at once, motivating me to shape a little more of myself and send it out in the world. File that under outer persona in the service of inner work. Pretty cool, huh? Who do you want to be in the world?

Mystery Iris

A lovely yellow-and-white iris has started blooming in my front yard out by the street. The mystery of it is that I did not plant this! I have several other kinds of things I've planted in this section of garden over the years, but I never would have gone out of my way to pick *that* color of iris. So where on earth did it come from?

Maybe it piggy-backed from another planting when I transplanted daylilies many years ago? Maybe the previous owners planted it there ten years ago and it's just now coming up?? Maybe my neighbors or someone planted a couple as a surprise??? Did I plant it but completely forget about it???? I'm grasping at straws, here, because there is really no clear reason for it. There are plenty of other plantings in the same area, so why this, now?

Eh, maybe it doesn't matter where it came from. Whatever the reason, it's a delightful surprise and looking glorious.

Now I'm thinking, hmm, ya know, that's a nice variety... I may even need to put in a few more to plump it out the stand.

So, thanks, Universe for the unexpected gift. Pretty cool.

Flickring Videos

I've just recently heard about Flickr introducing video posting capabilities to their users. Some of my contacts (and others on Flickr) have been upset about it and have been promoting petitions to have video banned at Flickr, etc. Maybe they see video as the chain fast-food, strip mall of Flickr, leading to artistic decay and the ruin of the community. I suppose that's possible. Certainly Ye Olde U-Tube has its jewels mired in sludge.

As eagerly as I tend to resist change (no early adapter here), I'm not convinced video on Flickr is such a terrible thing. For one thing, the clips are limited to 90 seconds, as Flickr admins like to put it, "moving pictures." Also, there are some things that are very interesting (or more so) in motion than as a still. It's possible or even likely that I will get very tired of everybody and her sister posting clips on Flickr, but for now, it's intriguing. I like seeing my contacts in motion and hearing their voices.

No doubt, we will experience a range of expertise and artistic visions with the vids as we already do with the photos. The funny, the clever, the amazing, and the sublime coexist with the trite, the tasteless, the merely pretty, and the outright disgusting. I can predict that everyone will go through a period of introducing themselves and reveling in the novelty of the experience. Finger-painting for adults!

So I can't bring myself to get upset about it. Rather, I'm interested to see what kinds of creative visions it will induce.

I admit that I'm less concerned at this point about what others may be doing. I'm thinking, "What can I do with this? What's MY vision in 90 seconds?? Oo, yeah!" My inner videography director is pitching ideas to me left and right. This afternoon, I even took some footage of my singing bell and of me giving a tour of my garden. Did you know when I was in school, my instructors used to jokingly refer to my video and animation projects as masterpieces and Broadway productions? Yes, they were joking, but also half serious. I really got into crafting the stories and the visuals. I don't have the programs right now (yet) to do any editing, but there's still lots you can do with a single shot.

Just as with my photography and my (old) art, and my writing, certain things draw and inspire me to shape something. Like photographs, videos can be used to simply document or "show" something, or it can approach more of an emotional, sensory experience. And if you've been following me, you know I am interested in BOTH!

So yeah, I'm working on my videos. It's just another medium for me to play with.

Now if we could only get rid of those tacky flashing gif invitation icons, I'd be *really* happy.